The Project Gutenberg eBook of The Diary of a Nobody, by George and Weedon Grossmith

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The rainy days gift ideas with remote control trucksDiary of
a Nobody

BY
GEORGE GROSSMITH
AND
WEEDON GROSSMITH

WITH ILLUSTRATIONS
BY
WEEDON GROSSMITH

A NEW EDITION

BRISTOL
J. W. Arrowsmith, Printer, QuayStreet

LONDON
Simpkin, Marshall, Hamilton, Kent &Company Limited

INTRODUCTION BY MR. POOTER

Why should I not publish my diary? I haveoften seen reminiscences of people I have never even heardof, and I fail to see—because I do not happento be a‘Somebody’—why my diaryshould not be interesting. My only regret is that Idid not commence it when I was a youth.

CharlesPooter.

The Laurels,
     Brickfield Terrace,
          Holloway.

CHAPTER I

We settle down in our new home, and I resolveto keep a diary. Tradesmen trouble us a bit, so does thescraper. The Curate calls and pays me a greatcompliment.

My dear wife Carrie and I have just been a week in our newhouse, “The Laurels,” Brickfield Terrace,Holloway—a nice six-roomed residence, not countingbasement, with a front breakfast-parlour. We have a littlefront garden; and there is a flight of ten steps up to the frontdoor, which, by-the-by, we keep locked with the chain up.Cummings, Gowing, and our other intimate friends always come tothe little side entrance, which saves the servant the trouble ofgoing up to the front door, thereby taking her from herwork. We have a nice little back garden which runs down tothe railway. We were rather afraid of the noise of thetrains at first, but the landlord said we should not notice themafter a bit, and took £2 off the rent. He wascertainly right; and beyond the cracking of the garden wall atthe bottom, we have suffered no inconvenience.

After my work in the City, I like to be at home.What’s the good of a home, if you are never in it?“Home, Sweet Home,” that’s my motto. I amalways in of an evening. Our old friend Gowing may drop inwithout ceremony; so may Cummings, who lives opposite. Mydear wife Caroline and I are pleased to see them, if they like todrop in on us. But Carrie and I can manage to pass ourevenings together without friends. There is alwayssomething to be done: a tin-tack here, a Venetian blind to putstraight, a fan to nail up, or part of a carpet to naildown—all of which I can do with my pipe in my mouth; whileCarrie is not above putting a button on a shirt, mending apillow-case, or practising the “Sylvia Gavotte” onour new cottage piano (on the three years’ system),manufactured by W. Bilkson (in small letters), from Collard andCollard (in very large letters). It is also a great comfortto us to know that our boy Willie is getting on so well in theBank at Oldham. We should like to see more of him.Now for my diary:—

April 3.—Tradesmen called forcustom, and I promised Farmerson, the ironmonger, to give him aturn if I wanted any nails or tools. By-the-by, thatreminds me there is no key to our bedroom door, and the bellsmust be seen to. The parlour bell is broken, and the frontdoor rings up in the servant’s bedroom, which isridiculous. Dear friend Gowing dropped in, butwouldn’t stay, saying there was an infernal smell ofpaint.

April 4. Tradesmen stillcalling; Carrie being out, I arranged to deal with Horwin, whoseemed a civil butcher with a nice clean shop. Ordered ashoulder of mutton for to-morrow, to give him a trial.Carrie arranged with Borset, the butterman, and ordered a poundof fresh butter, and a pound and a half of salt ditto forkitchen, and a shilling’s worth of eggs. In theevening, Cummings unexpectedly dropped in to show me a meerschaumpipe he had won in a raffle in the City, and told me to handle itcarefully, as it would spoil the colouring if the hand wasmoist. He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’tcare much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraperas he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else Ishall get into a scrape. I don’t often makejokes.

April 5.—Two shoulders ofmutton arrived, Carrie having arranged with another butcherwithout consulting me. Gowing called, and fell over scrapercoming in. Mustget that scraper removed.

April 6.—Eggs for breakfastsimply shocking; sent them back to Borset with my compliments,and he needn’t call any more for orders.Couldn’t find umbrella, and though it was pouring withrain, had to go without it. Sarah said Mr. Gowing must havetook it by mistake last night, as there was a stick in the‘all that didn’t belong to nobody. In theevening, hearing someone talking in a loud voice to the servantin the downstairs hall, I went out to see who it was, and wassurprised to find it was Borset, the butterman, who was bothdrunk and offensive. Borset, on seeing me, said he would behanged if he would ever serve City clerks any more—the gamewasn’t worth the candle. I restrained my feelings,and quietly remarked that I thought it was possiblefor acity clerk to be a gentleman. He replied he was veryglad to hear it, and wanted to know whether I had ever comeacross one, for hehadn’t. He left the house,slamming the door after him, which nearly broke the fanlight; andI heard him fall over the scraper, which made me feel glad Ihadn’t removed it. When he had gone, I thought of asplendid answer I ought to have given him. However, I willkeep it for another occasion.

April 7.—Being Saturday, Ilooked forward to being home early, and putting a few thingsstraight; but two of our principals at the office were absentthrough illness, and I did not get home till seven. FoundBorset waiting. He had been three times during the day toapologise for his conduct last night. He said he was unableto take his Bank Holiday last Monday, and took it last nightinstead. He begged me to accept his apology, and a pound offresh butter. He seems, after all, a decent sort of fellow;so I gave him an order for some fresh eggs, with a request thaton this occasion they shouldbe fresh. I am afraidwe shall have to get some new stair-carpets after all; our oldones are not quite wide enough to meet the paint on eitherside. Carrie suggests that we might ourselves broaden thepaint. I will see if we can match the colour (darkchocolate) on Monday.

April 8, Sunday.—AfterChurch, the Curate came back with us. I sent Carrie in toopen front door, which we do not use except on specialoccasions. She could not get it open, and after all mydisplay, I had to take the Curate (whose name, by-the-by, I didnot catch,) round the side entrance. He caught his foot inthe scraper, and tore the bottom of his trousers. Mostannoying, as Carrie could not well offer to repair them on aSunday. After dinner, went to sleep. Took a walkround the garden, and discovered a beautiful spot for sowingmustard-and-cress and radishes. Went to Church again in theevening: walked back with the Curate. Carrie noticed he hadgot on the same pair of trousers, only repaired. He wantsme to take round the plate, which I think a great compliment.

CHAPTER II

Tradesmen and the scraper stilltroublesome. Gowing rather tiresome with his complaints ofthe paint. I make one of the best jokes of my life.Delights of Gardening. Mr. Stillbrook, Gowing, Cummings,and I have a little misunderstanding. Sarah makes me look afool before Cummings.

April 9.—Commenced themorning badly. The butcher, whom we decided nottoarrange with, called and blackguarded me in the most uncalled-formanner. He began by abusing me, and saying he did not wantmy custom. I simply said: “Then what are you makingall this fuss about it for?” And he shouted out atthe top of his voice, so that all the neighbours could hear:“Pah! go along. Ugh! I could buy up‘things’ like you by the dozen!”

I shut the door, and was giving Carrie to understand that thisdisgraceful scene was entirely her fault, when there was aviolent kicking at the door, enough to break the panels. Itwas the blackguard butcher again, who said he had cut his footover the scraper, and would immediately bring an action againstme. Called at Farmerson’s, the ironmonger, on my wayto town, and gave him the job of moving the scraper and repairingthe bells, thinking it scarcely worth while to trouble thelandlord with such a trifling matter.

Arrived home tired and worried. Mr. Putley, a painterand decorator, who had sent in a card, said he could not matchthe colour on the stairs, as it contained Indian carmine.He said he spent half-a-day calling at warehouses to see if hecould get it. He suggested he should entirely repaint thestairs. It would cost very little more; if he tried tomatch it, he could only make a bad job of it. It would bemore satisfactory to him and to us to have the work doneproperly. I consented, but felt I had been talkedover. Planted some mustard-and-cress and radishes, and wentto bed at nine.

April 10.—Farmerson cameround to attend to the scraper himself. He seems a verycivil fellow. He says he does not usually conduct suchsmall jobs personally, but for me he would do so. I thankedhim, and went to town. It is disgraceful how late some ofthe young clerks are at arriving. I told three of them thatif Mr. Perkupp, the principal, heard of it, they might bedischarged.

Pitt, a monkey of seventeen, who has only been with us sixweeks, told me “to keep my hair on!” I informedhim I had had the honour of being in the firm twenty years, towhich he insolently replied that I “looked it.”I gave him an indignant look, and said: “I demand from yousome respect, sir.” He replied: “All right, goon demanding.” I would not argue with him anyfurther. You cannot argue with people like that. Inthe evening Gowing called, and repeated his complaint about thesmell of paint. Gowing is sometimes very tedious with hisremarks, and not always cautious; and Carrie once very properlyreminded him that she was present.

April 11.—Mustard-and-cressand radishes not come up yet. To-day was a day ofannoyances. I missed the quarter-to-nine ’bus to theCity, through having words with the grocer’s boy, who forthe second time had the impertinence to bring his basket to thehall-door, and had left the marks of his dirty boots on thefresh-cleaned door-steps. He said he had knocked at theside door with his knuckles for a quarter of an hour. Iknew Sarah, our servant, could not hear this, as she was upstairsdoing the bedrooms, so asked the boy why he did not ring thebell? He replied that he did pull the bell, but the handlecame off in his hand.

I was half-an-hour late at the office, a thing that has neverhappened to me before. There has recently been muchirregularity in the attendance of the clerks, and Mr. Perkupp,our principal, unfortunately chose this very morning to pouncedown upon us early. Someone had given the tip to theothers. The result was that I was the only one late of thelot. Buckling, one of the senior clerks, was a brick, and Iwas saved by his intervention. As I passed by Pitt’sdesk, I heard him remark to his neighbour: “Howdisgracefully late some of the head clerks arrive!”This was, of course, meant for me. I treated theobservation with silence, simply giving him a look, whichunfortunately had the effect of making both of the clerkslaugh. Thought afterwards it would have been more dignifiedif I had pretended not to have heard him at all. Cummingscalled in the evening, and we played dominoes.

April 12.—Mustard-and-cressand radishes not come up yet. Left Farmerson repairing thescraper, but when I came home found three men working. Iasked the meaning of it, and Farmerson said that in making afresh hole he had penetrated the gas-pipe. He said it was amost ridiculous place to put the gas-pipe, and the man who did itevidently knew nothing about his business. I felt hisexcuse was no consolation for the expense I shall be put to.

In the evening, after tea, Gowing dropped in, and we had asmoke together in the breakfast-parlour. Carrie joined uslater, but did not stay long, saying the smoke was too much forher. It was also rather too much for me, for Gowing hadgiven me what he called a green cigar, one that his friendShoemach had just brought over from America. The cigardidn’t look green, but I fancy I must have done so; forwhen I had smoked a little more than half I was obliged to retireon the pretext of telling Sarah to bring in the glasses.

I took a walk round the garden three or four times, feelingthe need of fresh air. On returning Gowing noticed I wasnot smoking: offered me another cigar, which I politelydeclined. Gowing began his usual sniffing, so, anticipatinghim, I said: “You’re not going to complain of thesmell of paint again?” He said: “No, not thistime; but I’ll tell you what, I distinctly smell dryrot.” I don’t often make jokes, but I replied:“You’re talking a lot of dry rotyourself.” I could not help roaring at this, andCarrie said her sides quite ached with laughter. I neverwas so immensely tickled by anything I have ever saidbefore. I actually woke up twice during the night, andlaughed till the bed shook.

April 13.—An extraordinarycoincidence: Carrie had called in a woman to make some chintzcovers for our drawing-room chairs and sofa to prevent the sunfading the green rep of the furniture. I saw the woman, andrecognised her as a woman who used to work years ago for my oldaunt at Clapham. It only shows how small the world is.

April 14.—Spent the whole ofthe afternoon in the garden, having this morning picked up at abookstall for fivepence a capital little book, in good condition,on Gardening. I procured and sowed some half-hardyannuals in what I fancy will be a warm, sunny border. Ithought of a joke, and called out Carrie. Carrie came outrather testy, I thought. I said: “I have justdiscovered we have got a lodging-house.” She replied:“How do you mean?” I said: “Look at theboarders.” Carrie said: “Is that all youwanted me for?” I said: “Any other time youwould have laughed at my little pleasantry.” Carriesaid: “Certainly—at any other time, but notwhen I am busy in the house.” The stairs looked verynice. Gowing called, and said the stairs looked allright, but it made the banisters look all wrong, andsuggested a coat of paint on them also, which Carrie quite agreedwith. I walked round to Putley, and fortunately he was out,so I had a good excuse to let the banisters slide.By-the-by, that is rather funny.

April 15, Sunday.—At threeo’clock Cummings and Gowing called for a good long walkover Hampstead and Finchley, and brought with them a friend namedStillbrook. We walked and chatted together, exceptStillbrook, who was always a few yards behind us staring at theground and cutting at the grass with his stick.

As it was getting on for five, we four held a consultation,and Gowing suggested that we should make for “The Cow andHedge” and get some tea. Stillbrook said: “Abrandy-and-soda was good enough for him.” I remindedthem that all public-houses were closed till sixo’clock. Stillbrook said, “That’s allright—bona-fidetravellers.”

We arrived; and as I was trying to pass, the man in charge ofthe gate said: “Where from?” I replied:“Holloway.” He immediately put up his arm, anddeclined to let me pass. I turned back for a moment, when Isaw Stillbrook, closely followed by Cummings and Gowing, make forthe entrance. I watched them, and thought I would have agood laugh at their expense, I heard the porter say: “Wherefrom?” When, to my surprise, in fact disgust,Stillbrook replied: “Blackheath,” and the three wereimmediately admitted.

Gowing called to me across the gate, and said: “Weshan’t be a minute.” I waited for them the bestpart of an hour. When they appeared they were all in mostexcellent spirits, and the only one who made an effort toapologise was Mr. Stillbrook, who said to me: “It was veryrough on you to be kept waiting, but we had another spin for S.and B.’s.” I walked home in silence; Icouldn’t speak to them. I felt very dull all theevening, but deemed it advisable notto say anything toCarrie about the matter.

April 16.—After business, setto work in the garden. When it got dark I wrote to Cummingsand Gowing (who neither called, for a wonder; perhaps they wereashamed of themselves) about yesterday’s adventure at“The Cow and Hedge.” Afterwards made up my mindnot to write yet.

April 17.—Thought I wouldwrite a kind little note to Gowing and Cummings about lastSunday, and warning them against Mr. Stillbrook.Afterwards, thinking the matter over, tore up the letters anddetermined not to writeat all, but to speakquietly to them. Dumfounded at receiving a sharp letterfrom Cummings, saying that both he and Gowing had been waitingfor an explanation of my(mind you, my) extraordinary conduct coming home onSunday. At last I wrote: “I thought I was theaggrieved party; but as I freely forgive you, you—feelingyourself aggrieved—should bestow forgiveness onme.” I have copied this verbatimin the diary,because I think it is one of the most perfect and thoughtfulsentences I have ever written. I posted the letter, but inmy own heart I felt I was actually apologising for having beeninsulted.

April 18.—Am in for acold. Spent the whole day at the office sneezing. Inthe evening, the cold being intolerable, sent Sarah out for abottle of Kinahan. Fell asleep in the arm-chair, and wokewith the shivers. Was startled by a loud knock at the frontdoor. Carrie awfully flurried. Sarah still out, sowent up, opened the door, and found it was only Cummings.Remembered the grocer’s boy had again broken theside-bell. Cummings squeezed my hand, and said:“I’ve just seen Gowing. All right. Say nomore about it.” There is no doubt they are both underthe impression I have apologised.

While playing dominoes with Cummings in the parlour, he said:“By-the-by, do you want any wine or spirits? Mycousin Merton has just set up in the trade, and has a splendidwhisky, four years in bottle, at thirty-eight shillings. Itis worth your while laying down a few dozen of it.” Itold him my cellars, which were very small, were full up.To my horror, at that very moment, Sarah entered the room, andputting a bottle of whisky, wrapped in a dirty piece ofnewspaper, on the table in front of us, said: “Please, sir,the grocer says he ain’t got no more Kinahan, butyou’ll find this very good at two-and-six, with twopencereturned on the bottle; and, please, did you want any moresherry? as he has some at one-and-three, as dry as anut!”

CHAPTER III

A conversation with Mr. Merton onSociety. Mr. and Mrs. James, of Sutton, come up. Amiserable evening at the Tank Theatre. Experiments withenamel paint. I make another good joke; but Gowing andCummings are unnecessarily offended. I paint the bath red,with unexpected result.

April 19.—Cummings called,bringing with him his friend Merton, who is in the winetrade. Gowing also called. Mr. Merton made himself athome at once, and Carrie and I were both struck with himimmediately, and thoroughly approved of his sentiments.

He leaned back in his chair and said: “You must take meas I am;” and I replied: “Yes—and you must takeus as we are. We’re homely people, we are notswells.”

He answered: “No, I can see that,” and Gowingroared with laughter; but Merton in a most gentlemanly mannersaid to Gowing: “I don’t think you quite understandme. I intended to convey that our charming host and hostesswere superior to the follies of fashion, and preferred leading asimple and wholesome life to gadding about to twopenny-halfpennytea-drinking afternoons, and living above theirincomes.”

I was immensely pleased with these sensible remarks ofMerton’s, and concluded that subject by saying: “No,candidly, Mr. Merton, we don’t go into Society, because wedo not care for it; and what with the expense of cabs here andcabs there, and white gloves and white ties, etc., itdoesn’t seem worth the money.”

Merton said in reference to friends: “My motto is‘Few and True;’ and, by the way, I also apply that towine, ‘Little and Good.’” Gowing said:“Yes, and sometimes ‘cheap and tasty,’ eh, oldman?” Merton, still continuing, said he should treatme as a friend, and put me down for a dozen of his“Lockanbar” whisky, and as I was an old friend ofGowing, I should have it for 36s., which was considerably underwhat he paid for it.

He booked his own order, and further said that at any time Iwanted any passes for the theatre I was to let him know, as hisname stood good for any theatre in London.

April 20.—Carrie reminded methat as her old school friend, Annie Fullers (now Mrs. James),and her husband had come up from Sutton for a few days, it wouldlook kind to take them to the theatre, and would I drop a line toMr. Merton asking him for passes for four, either for the ItalianOpera, Haymarket, Savoy, or Lyceum. I wrote Merton to thateffect.

April 21.—Got a reply fromMerton, saying he was very busy, and just at presentcouldn’t manage passes for the Italian Opera, Haymarket,Savoy, or Lyceum, but the best thing going on in London was theBrown Bushes, at the Tank Theatre, Islington, and enclosedseats for four; also bill for whisky.

April 23.—Mr. and Mrs. James(Miss Fullers that was) came to meat tea, and we left directlyafter for the Tank Theatre. We got a ’bus that tookus to King’s Cross, and then changed into one that took usto the “Angel.” Mr. James each time insisted onpaying for all, saying that I had paid for the tickets and thatwas quite enough.

We arrived at theatre, where, curiously enough, all our’bus-load except an old woman with a basket seemed to begoing in. I walked ahead and presented the tickets.The man looked at them, and called out: “Mr. Willowly! doyou know anything about these?” holding up mytickets. The gentleman called to, came up and examined mytickets, and said: “Who gave you these?” Isaid, rather indignantly: “Mr. Merton, ofcourse.” He said: “Merton? Who’she?” I answered, rather sharply: “You ought toknow, his name’s good at any theatre inLondon.” He replied: “Oh! is it? Well, itain’t no good here. These tickets, which are notdated, were issued under Mr. Swinstead’s management, whichhas since changed hands.” While I was having somevery unpleasant words with the man, James, who had gone upstairswith the ladies, called out: “Come on!” I wentup after them, and a very civil attendant said: “This way,please, box H.” I said to James: “Why, how onearth did you manage it?” and to my horror he replied:“Why, paid for it of course.”

This was humiliating enough, and I could scarcely follow theplay, but I was doomed to still further humiliation. I wasleaning out of the box, when my tie—a little black bowwhich fastened on to the stud by means of a new patent—fellinto the pit below. A clumsy man not noticing it, had hisfoot on it for ever so long before he discovered it. Hethen picked it up and eventually flung it under the next seat indisgust. What with the box incident and the tie, I feltquite miserable. Mr. James, of Sutton, was very good.He said: “Don’t worry—no one will notice itwith your beard. That is the only advantage of growing onethat I can see.” There was no occasion for thatremark, for Carrie is very proud of my beard.

To hide the absence of the tie I had to keep my chin down therest of the evening, which caused a pain at the back of myneck.

April 24.—Could scarcelysleep a wink through thinking of having brought up Mr. and Mrs.James from the country to go to the theatre last night, and hishaving paid for a private box because our order was not honoured,and such a poor play too. I wrote a very satirical letterto Merton, the wine merchant, who gave us the pass, and said,“Considering we had to pay for our seats, we did our bestto appreciate the performance.” I thought this linerather cutting, and I asked Carrie how many p’s there werein appreciate, and she said, “One.” After Isent off the letter I looked at the dictionary and found therewere two. Awfully vexed at this.

Decided not to worry myself any more about the James’s;for, as Carrie wisely said, “We’ll make it all rightwith them by asking them up from Sutton one evening next week toplay at Bézique.”

April 25.—In consequence ofBrickwell telling me his wife was working wonders with the newPinkford’s enamel paint, I determined to try it. Ibought two tins of red on my way home. I hastened throughtea, went into the garden and painted some flower-pots. Icalled out Carrie, who said: “You’ve always got somenewfangled craze;” but she was obliged to admit that theflower-pots looked remarkably well. Went upstairs into theservant’s bedroom and painted her washstand, towel-horse,and chest of drawers. To my mind it was an extraordinaryimprovement, but as an example of the ignorance of the lowerclasses in the matter of taste, our servant, Sarah, on seeingthem, evinced no sign of pleasure, but merely said “shethought they looked very well as they was before.”

April 26.—Got some more redenamel paint (red, to my mind, being the best colour), andpainted the coal-scuttle, and the backs of our Shakspeare,the binding of which had almost worn out.

April 27.—Painted the bathred, and was delighted with the result. Sorry to say Carriewas not, in fact we had a few words about it. She said Iought to have consulted her, and she had never heard of such athing as a bath being painted red. I replied:“It’s merely a matter of taste.”

Fortunately, further argument on the subject was stopped by avoice saying, “May I come in?” It was onlyCummings, who said, “Your maid opened the door, and askedme to excuse her showing me in, as she was wringing out somesocks.” I was delighted to see him, and suggested weshould have a game of whist with a dummy, and by way of merrimentsaid: “You can be the dummy.” Cummings (Ithought rather ill-naturedly) replied: “Funny asusual.” He said he couldn’t stop, he onlycalled to leave me the Bicycle News, as he had done withit.

Another ring at the bell; it was Gowing, who said he“must apologise for coming so often, and that one of thesedays we must come round to him.” I said:“A very extraordinary thing has struck me.”“Something funny, as usual,” said Cummings.“Yes,” I replied; “I think even you will say sothis time. It’s concerning you both; fordoesn’t it seem odd that Gowing’s always coming andCummings’ always going?” Carrie, who hadevidently quite forgotten about the bath, went into fits oflaughter, and as for myself, I fairly doubled up in my chair,till it cracked beneath me. I think this was one of thebest jokes I have ever made.

Then imagine my astonishment on perceiving both Cummings andGowing perfectly silent, and without a smile on theirfaces. After rather an unpleasant pause, Cummings, who hadopened a cigar-case, closed it up again and said:“Yes—I think, after that, I shallbe going,and I am sorry I fail to see the fun of your jokes.”Gowing said he didn’t mind a joke when it wasn’trude, but a pun on a name, to his thinking, was certainly alittle wanting in good taste. Cummings followed it up bysaying, if it had been said by anyone else but myself, heshouldn’t have entered the house again. This ratherunpleasantly terminated what might have been a cheerfulevening. However, it was as well they went, for thecharwoman had finished up the remains of the cold pork.

April 28.—At the office, thenew and very young clerk Pitt, who was very impudent to me a weekor so ago, was late again. I told him it would be my dutyto inform Mr. Perkupp, the principal. To my surprise, Pittapologised most humbly and in a most gentlemanly fashion. Iwas unfeignedly pleased to notice this improvement in his mannertowards me, and told him I would look over hisunpunctuality. Passing down the room an hour later. Ireceived a smart smack in the face from a rolled-up ball of hardfoolscap. I turned round sharply, but all the clerks wereapparently riveted to their work. I am not a rich man, butI would give half-a-sovereign to know whether that was thrown byaccident or design. Went home early and bought some moreenamel paint—black this time—and spent the eveningtouching up the fender, picture-frames, and an old pair of boots,making them look as good as new. Also paintedGowing’s walking-stick, which he left behind, and made itlook like ebony.

April 29, Sunday.—Woke upwith a fearful headache and strong symptoms of a cold.Carrie, with a perversity which is just like her, said it was“painter’s colic,” and was the result of myhaving spent the last few days with my nose over apaint-pot. I told her firmly that I knew a great dealbetter what was the matter with me than she did. I had gota chill, and decided to have a bath as hot as I could bearit. Bath ready—could scarcely bear it so hot. Ipersevered, and got in; very hot, but very acceptable. Ilay still for some time.

On moving my hand above the surface of the water, Iexperienced the greatest fright I ever received in the wholecourse of my life; for imagine my horror on discovering my hand,as I thought, full of blood. My first thought was that Ihad ruptured an artery, and was bleeding to death, and should bediscovered, later on, looking like a second Marat, as I rememberseeing him in Madame Tussaud’s. My second thought wasto ring the bell, but remembered there was no bell to ring.My third was, that there was nothing but the enamel paint, whichhad dissolved with boiling water. I stepped out of thebath, perfectly red all over, resembling the Red Indians I haveseen depicted at an East-End theatre. I determined not tosay a word to Carrie, but to tell Farmerson to come on Monday andpaint the bath white.

CHAPTER IV

The ball at the Mansion House.

April 30.—Perfectly astoundedat receiving an invitation for Carrie and myself from the Lordand Lady Mayoress to the Mansion House, to “meet theRepresentatives of Trades and Commerce.” My heartbeat like that of a schoolboy’s. Carrie and I readthe invitation over two or three times. I could scarcelyeat my breakfast. I said—and I felt it from thebottom of my heart,—“Carrie darling, I was a proudman when I led you down the aisle of the church on ourwedding-day; that pride will be equalled, if not surpassed, whenI lead my dear, pretty wife up to the Lord and Lady Mayoress atthe Mansion House.” I saw the tears in Carrie’seyes, and she said: “Charlie dear, it is Iwho haveto be proud of you. And I am very, very proud of you.You have called me pretty; and as long as I am pretty in youreyes, I am happy. You, dear old Charlie, are not handsome,but you are good, which is far more noble.” Igave her a kiss, and she said: “I wonder if there will beany dancing? I have not danced with you foryears.”

I cannot tell what induced me to do it, but I seized her roundthe waist, and we were silly enough to be executing a wild kindof polka when Sarah entered, grinning, and said: “There isa man, mum, at the door who wants to know if you want any goodcoals.” Most annoyed at this. Spent the eveningin answering, and tearing up again, the reply to the MansionHouse, having left word with Sarah if Gowing or Cummings calledwe were not at home. Must consult Mr. Perkupp how to answerthe Lord Mayor’s invitation.

May 1.—Carrie said: “Ishould like to send mother the invitation to lookat.” I consented, as soon as I had answered it.I told Mr. Perkupp, at the office, with a feeling of pride, thatwe had received an invitation to the Mansion House; and he said,to my astonishment, that he himself gave in my name to the LordMayor’s secretary. I felt this rather discounted thevalue of the invitation, but I thanked him; and in reply to me,he described how I was to answer it. I felt the reply wastoo simple; but of course Mr. Perkupp knows best.

May 2.—Sent my dress-coat andtrousers to the little tailor’s round the corner, to havethe creases taken out. Told Gowing not to call next Monday,as we were going to the Mansion House. Sent similar note toCummings.

May 3.—Carrie went to Mrs.James, at Sutton, to consult about her dress for nextMonday. While speaking incidentally to Spotch, one of ourhead clerks, about the Mansion House, he said: “Oh,I’m asked, but don’t think I shall go.”When a vulgar man like Spotch is asked, I feel my invitation isconsiderably discounted. In the evening, while I was out,the little tailor brought round my coat and trousers, and becauseSarah had not a shilling to pay for the pressing, he took themaway again.

May 4.—Carrie’s motherreturned the Lord Mayor’s invitation, which was sent to herto look at, with apologies for having upset a glass of port overit. I was too angry to say anything.

May 5.—Bought a pair oflavender kid-gloves for next Monday, and two white ties, in caseone got spoiled in the tying.

May 6, Sunday.—A very dullsermon, during which, I regret to say, I twice thought of theMansion House reception to-morrow.

May 7.—A big red-letter day;viz., the Lord Mayor’s reception. The whole houseupset. I had to get dressed at half-past six, as Carriewanted the room to herself. Mrs. James had come up fromSutton to help Carrie; so I could not help thinking itunreasonable that she should require the entire attention ofSarah, the servant, as well. Sarah kept running out of thehouse to fetch “something for missis,” and severaltimes I had, in my full evening-dress, to answer theback-door.

The last time it was the greengrocer’s boy, who, notseeing it was me, for Sarah had not lighted the gas, pushed intomy hands two cabbages and half-a-dozen coal-blocks. Iindignantly threw them on the ground, and felt so annoyed that Iso far forgot myself as to box the boy’s ears. Hewent away crying, and said he should summons me, a thing I wouldnot have happen for the world. In the dark, I stepped on apiece of the cabbage, which brought me down on the flags all of aheap. For a moment I was stunned, but when I recovered Icrawled upstairs into the drawing-room and on looking into thechimney-glass discovered that my chin was bleeding, my shirtsmeared with the coal-blocks, and my left trouser torn at theknee.

However, Mrs. James brought me down another shirt, which Ichanged in the drawing-room. I put a piece of court-plasteron my chin, and Sarah very neatly sewed up the tear at theknee. At nine o’clock Carrie swept into the room,looking like a queen. Never have I seen her look so lovely,or so distinguished. She was wearing a satin dress ofsky-blue—my favourite colour—and a piece of lace,which Mrs. James lent her, round the shoulders, to give afinish. I thought perhaps the dress was a little too longbehind, and decidedly too short in front, but Mrs. James said itwas à la mode. Mrs. James was most kind, andlent Carrie a fan of ivory with red feathers, the value of which,she said, was priceless, as the feathers belonged to the Kachueagle—a bird now extinct. I preferred the littlewhite fan which Carrie bought for three-and-six atShoolbred’s, but both ladies sat on me at once.

We arrived at the Mansion House too early, which was ratherfortunate, for I had an opportunity of speaking to his lordship,who graciously condescended to talk with me some minutes; but Imust say I was disappointed to find he did not even know Mr.Perkupp, our principal.

I felt as if we had been invited to the Mansion House by onewho did not know the Lord Mayor himself. Crowds arrived,and I shall never forget the grand sight. My humble pen cannever describe it. I was a little annoyed with Carrie, whokept saying: “Isn’t it a pity we don’t knowanybody?”

Once she quite lost her head. I saw someone who lookedlike Franching, from Peckham, and was moving towards him when sheseized me by the coat-tails, and said quite loudly:“Don’t leave me,” which caused an elderlygentleman, in a court-suit, and a chain round him, and twoladies, to burst out laughing. There was an immense crowdin the supper-room, and, my stars! it was a splendidsupper—any amount of champagne.

Carrie made a most hearty supper, for which I was pleased; forI sometimes think she is not strong. There was scarcely adish she did not taste. I was so thirsty, I could not eatmuch. Receiving a sharp slap on the shoulder, I turned,and, to my amazement, saw Farmerson, our ironmonger. Hesaid, in the most familiar way: “This is better thanBrickfield Terrace, eh?” I simply looked at him, andsaid coolly: “I never expected to see youhere.” He said, with a loud, coarse laugh: “Ilike that—if you, why not me?” Ireplied: “Certainly,” I wish I could have thought ofsomething better to say. He said: “Can I get yourgood lady anything?” Carrie said: “No, I thankyou,” for which I was pleased. I said, by way ofreproof to him: “You never sent to-day to paint the bath,as I requested.” Farmerson said: “Pardon me,Mr. Pooter, no shop when we’re in company,please.”

Before I could think of a reply, one of the sheriffs, in fullCourt costume, slapped Farmerson on the back and hailed him as anold friend, and asked him to dine with him at his lodge. Iwas astonished. For full five minutes they stood roaringwith laughter, and stood digging each other in the ribs.They kept telling each other they didn’t look a dayolder. They began embracing each other and drinkingchampagne.

To think that a man who mends our scraper should know anymember of our aristocracy! I was just moving with Carrie,when Farmerson seized me rather roughly by the collar, andaddressing the sheriff, said: “Let me introduce myneighbour, Pooter.” He did not even say“Mister.” The sheriff handed me a glass ofchampagne. I felt, after all, it was a great honour todrink a glass of wine with him, and I told him so. We stoodchatting for some time, and at last I said: “You mustexcuse me now if I join Mrs. Pooter.” When Iapproached her, she said: “Don’t let me take you awayfrom friends. I am quite happy standing here alone in acrowd, knowing nobody!”

As it takes two to make a quarrel, and as it was neither thetime nor the place for it, I gave my arm to Carrie, and said:“I hope my darling little wife will dance with me, if onlyfor the sake of saying we had danced at the Mansion House asguests of the Lord Mayor.” Finding the dancing aftersupper was less formal, and knowing how much Carrie used toadmire my dancing in the days gone by, I put my arm round herwaist and we commenced a waltz.

A most unfortunate accident occurred. I had got on a newpair of boots. Foolishly, I had omitted to takeCarrie’s advice; namely, to scratch the soles of them withthe points of the scissors or to put a little wet on them.I had scarcely started when, like lightning, my left foot slippedaway and I came down, the side of my head striking the floor withsuch violence that for a second or two I did not know what hadhappened. I needly hardly say that Carrie fell with me withequal violence, breaking the comb in her hair and grazing herelbow.

There was a roar of laughter, which was immediately checkedwhen people found that we had really hurt ourselves. Agentleman assisted Carrie to a seat, and I expressed myselfpretty strongly on the danger of having a plain polished floorwith no carpet or drugget to prevent people slipping. Thegentleman, who said his name was Darwitts, insisted on escortingCarrie to have a glass of wine, an invitation which I was pleasedto allow Carrie to accept.

I followed, and met Farmerson, who immediately said, in hisloud voice “Oh, are you the one who went down?”

I answered with an indignant look.

With execrable taste, he said: “Look here, old man, weare too old for this game. We must leave these capers tothe youngsters. Come and have another glass, that is morein our line.”

Although I felt I was buying his silence by accepting, wefollowed the others into the supper-room.

Neither Carrie nor I, after our unfortunate mishap, feltinclined to stay longer. As we were departing, Farmersonsaid: “Are you going? if so, you might give me alift.”

I thought it better to consent, but wish I had first consultedCarrie.

CHAPTER V

After the Mansion House Ball. Carrieoffended. Gowing also offended. A pleasant party atthe Cummings’. Mr. Franching, of Peckham, visitsus.

May 8.—I woke up with a mostterrible headache. I could scarcely see, and the back of myneck was as if I had given it a crick. I thought first ofsending for a doctor; but I did not think it necessary.When up, I felt faint, and went to Brownish’s, the chemist,who gave me a draught. So bad at the office, had to getleave to come home. Went to another chemist in the City,and I got a draught. Brownish’s dose seems to havemade me worse; have eaten nothing all day. To make mattersworse, Carrie, every time I spoke to her, answered mesharply—that is, when she answered at all.

In the evening I felt very much worse again and said to her:“I do believe I’ve been poisoned by the lobstermayonnaise at the Mansion House last night;” she simplyreplied, without taking her eyes from her sewing:“Champagne never did agree with you.” I feltirritated, and said: “What nonsense you talk; I only had aglass and a half, and you know as well as Ido—” Before I could complete the sentence shebounced out of the room. I sat over an hour waiting for herto return; but as she did not, I determined I would go tobed. I discovered Carrie had gone to bed without evensaying “good-night”; leaving me to bar the scullerydoor and feed the cat. I shall certainly speak to her aboutthis in the morning.

May 9.—Still a little shaky,with black specks. The Blackfriars Bi-weekly Newscontains a long list of the guests at the Mansion HouseBall. Disappointed to find our names omitted, thoughFarmerson’s is in plainly enough with M.L.L. after it,whatever that may mean. More than vexed, because we hadordered a dozen copies to send to our friends. Wrote to theBlackfriars Bi-weekly News, pointing out theiromission.

Carrie had commenced her breakfast when I entered theparlour. I helped myself to a cup of tea, and I said,perfectly calmly and quietly: “Carrie, I wish a littleexplanation of your conduct last night.”

She replied, “Indeed! and I desire something more than alittle explanation of your conduct the night before.”

I said, coolly: “Really, I don’t understandyou.”

Carrie said sneeringly: “Probably not; you were scarcelyin a condition to understand anything.”

I was astounded at this insinuation and simply ejaculated:“Caroline!”

She said: “Don’t be theatrical, it has no effecton me. Reserve that tone for your new friend, MisterFarmerson, the ironmonger.”

I was about to speak, when Carrie, in a temper such as I havenever seen her in before, told me to hold my tongue. Shesaid: “Now I’mgoing to say something!After professing to snub Mr. Farmerson, you permit him to snubyou, in my presence, and then accept his invitation totake a glass of champagne with you, and you don’t limityourself to one glass. You then offer this vulgar man, whomade a bungle of repairing our scraper, a seat in our cab on theway home. I say nothing about his tearing my dress ingetting in the cab, nor of treading on Mrs. James’sexpensive fan, which you knocked out of my hand, and for which henever even apologised; but you smoked all the way home withouthaving the decency to ask my permission. That is notall! At the end of the journey, although he did not offeryou a farthing towards his share of the cab, you asked himin. Fortunately, he was sober enough to detect, from mymanner, that his company was not desirable.”

Goodness knows I felt humiliated enough at this; but, to makematters worse, Gowing entered the room, without knocking, withtwo hats on his head and holding the garden-rake in his hand,with Carrie’s fur tippet (which he had taken off thedownstairs hall-peg) round his neck, and announced himself in aloud, coarse voice: “His Royal Highness, the LordMayor!” He marched twice round the room like abuffoon, and finding we took no notice, said: “Hulloh!what’s up? Lovers’ quarrel, eh?”

There was a silence for a moment, so I said quietly: “Mydear Gowing, I’m not very well, and not quite in the humourfor joking; especially when you enter the room without knocking,an act which I fail to see the fun of.”

Gowing said: “I’m very sorry, but I called for mystick, which I thought you would have sent round.” Ihanded him his stick, which I remembered I had painted black withthe enamel paint, thinking to improve it. He looked at itfor a minute with a dazed expression and said: “Who didthis?”

I said: “Eh, did what?”

He said: “Did what? Why, destroyed my stick!It belonged to my poor uncle, and I value it more than anything Ihave in the world! I’ll know who did it.”

I said: “I’m very sorry. I dare say it willcome off. I did it for the best.”

Gowing said: “Then all I can say is, it’s aconfounded liberty; and I wouldadd, you’re a biggerfool than you look, only that’sabsolutelyimpossible.”

May 12.—Got a single copy ofthe Blackfriars Bi-weekly News. There was a shortlist of several names they had omitted; but the stupid people hadmentioned our names as “Mr. and Mrs. C.Porter.” Most annoying! Wrote again and I tookparticular care to write our name in capital letters,POOTER, so that there should be no possible mistake thistime.

May 16.—Absolutely disgustedon opening the Blackfriars Bi-weekly Newsof to-day, tofind the following paragraph: “We have received two lettersfrom Mr. and Mrs. Charles Pewter, requesting us to announce theimportant fact that they were at the Mansion HouseBall.” I tore up the paper and threw it in thewaste-paper basket. My time is far too valuable to botherabout such trifles.

May 21.—The last week or tendays terribly dull, Carrie being away at Mrs. James’s, atSutton. Cummings also away. Gowing, I presume, isstill offended with me for black enamelling his stick withoutasking him.

May 22.—Purchased a new stickmounted with silver, which cost seven-and-sixpence (shall tellCarrie five shillings), and sent it round with nice note toGowing.

May 23.—Received strange notefrom Gowing; he said: “Offended? not a bit, my boy—Ithought you were offended with me for losing my temper.Besides, I found after all, it was not my poor old uncle’sstick you painted. It was only a shilling thing I bought ata tobacconist’s. However, I am much obliged to youfor your handsome present all same.”

May 24.—Carrie back.Hoorah! She looks wonderfully well, except that the sun hascaught her nose.

May 25.—Carrie brought downsome of my shirts and advised me to take them to Trillip’sround the corner. She said: “The fronts and cuffs aremuch frayed.” I said without a moment’shesitation: “I’m ’frayedtheyare.” Lor! how we roared. I thought we shouldnever stop laughing. As I happened to be sitting next thedriver going to town on the ’bus, I told him my joke aboutthe “frayed” shirts. I thought he would haverolled off his seat. They laughed at the office a good bittoo over it.

May 26.—Left the shirts to berepaired at Trillip’s. I said to him:“I’m ’fraidthey arefrayed.” He said, without a smile:“They’re bound to do that, sir.” Somepeople seem to be quite destitute of a sense of humour.

June 1.—The last week hasbeen like old times, Carrie being back, and Gowing and Cummingscalling every evening nearly. Twice we sat out in thegarden quite late. This evening we were like a pack ofchildren, and played “consequences.” It is agood game.

June2.—“Consequences” again this evening. Notquite so successful as last night; Gowing having several timesoverstepped the limits of good taste.

June 4.—In the evening Carrieand I went round to Mr. and Mrs. Cummings’ to spend a quietevening with them. Gowing was there, also Mr.Stillbrook. It was quiet but pleasant. Mrs. Cummingssang five or six songs, “No, Sir,” and “TheGarden of Sleep,” being best in my humble judgment; butwhat pleased me most was the duet she sang withCarrie—classical duet, too. I think it is called,“I would that my love!” It was beautiful.If Carrie had been in better voice, I don’t thinkprofessionals could have sung it better. After supper wemade them sing it again. I never liked Mr. Stillbrook sincethe walk that Sunday to the “Cow and Hedge,” but Imust say he sings comic-songs well. His song: “Wedon’t Want the old men now,” made us shriek withlaughter, especially the verse referring to Mr. Gladstone; butthere was one verse I think he might have omitted, and I said so,but Gowing thought it was the best of the lot.

June 6.—Trillip brought roundthe shirts and, to my disgust, his charge for repairing was morethan I gave for them when new. I told him so, and heimpertinently replied: “Well, they are better now than whenthey were new.” I paid him, and said it was arobbery. He said: “If you wanted your shirt-frontsmade out of pauper-linen, such as is used for packing andbookbinding, why didn’t you say so?”

June 7.—A dreadfulannoyance. Met Mr. Franching, who lives at Peckham, and whois a great swell in his way. I ventured to ask him to comehome to meat-tea, and take pot-luck. I did not think hewould accept such a humble invitation; but he did, saying, in amost friendly way, he would rather “peck” with usthan by himself. I said: “We had better get into thisblue ’bus.” He replied: “No blue-bussingfor me. I have had enough of the blues lately. I losta cool ‘thou’ over the Copper Scare. Step inhere.”

We drove up home in style, in a hansom-cab, and I knockedthree times at the front door without getting an answer. Isaw Carrie, through the panels of ground-glass (with stars),rushing upstairs. I told Mr. Franching to wait at the doorwhile I went round to the side. There I saw thegrocer’s boy actually picking off the paint on the door,which had formed into blisters. No time to reprove him; sowent round and effected an entrance through the kitchenwindow. I let in Mr. Franching, and showed him into thedrawing-room. I went upstairs to Carrie, who was changingher dress, and told her I had persuaded Mr. Franching to comehome. She replied: “How can you do such athing? You know it’s Sarah’s holiday, andthere’s not a thing in the house, the cold mutton havingturned with the hot weather.”

Eventually Carrie, like a good creature as she is, slippeddown, washed up the teacups, and laid the cloth, and I gaveFranching our views of Japan to look at while I ran round to thebutcher’s to get three chops.

July 30.—The miserable coldweather is either upsetting me or Carrie, or both. We seemto break out into an argument about absolutely nothing, and thisunpleasant state of things usually occurs at meal-times.

This morning, for some unaccountable reason, we were talkingabout balloons, and we were as merry as possible; but theconversation drifted into family matters, during which Carrie,without the slightest reason, referred in the mostuncomplimentary manner to my poor father’s pecuniarytrouble. I retorted by saying that “Pa, at allevents, was a gentleman,” whereupon Carrie burst outcrying. I positively could not eat any breakfast.

At the office I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, who said he wasvery sorry, but I should have to take my annual holidays fromnext Saturday. Franching called at office and asked me todine at his club, “The Constitutional.” Fearingdisagreeables at home after the “tiff” this morning,I sent a telegram to Carrie, telling her I was going out to dineand she was not to sit up. Bought a little silver banglefor Carrie.

July 31.—Carrie was verypleased with the bangle, which I left with an affectionate noteon her dressing-table last night before going to bed. Itold Carrie we should have to start for our holiday nextSaturday. She replied quite happily that she did not mind,except that the weather was so bad, and she feared that MissJibbons would not be able to get her a seaside dress intime. I told Carrie that I thought the drab one with pinkbows looked quite good enough; and Carrie said she should notthink of wearing it. I was about to discuss the matter,when, remembering the argument yesterday, resolved to hold mytongue.

I said to Carrie: “I don’t think we can do betterthan ‘Good old Broadstairs.’” Carrie notonly, to my astonishment, raised an objection to Broadstairs, forthe first time; but begged me not to use the expression,“Good old,” but to leave it to Mr. Stillbrook andother gentlemenof his type. Hearing my ’buspass the window, I was obliged to rush out of the house withoutkissing Carrie as usual; and I shouted to her: “I leave itto you to decide.” On returning in the evening,Carrie said she thought as the time was so short she had decidedon Broadstairs, and had written to Mrs. Beck, Harbour ViewTerrace, for apartments.

August 1.—Ordered a new pairof trousers at Edwards’s, and told them not to cut them soloose over the boot; the last pair being so loose and also tightat the knee, looked like a sailor’s, and I heard Pitt, thatobjectionable youth at the office, call out“Hornpipe” as I passed his desk. Carrie hasordered of Miss Jibbons a pink Garibaldi and blue-serge skirt,which I always think looks so pretty at the seaside. In theevening she trimmed herself a little sailor-hat, while I read toher the Exchange and Mart. We had a good laugh overmy trying on the hat when she had finished it; Carrie saying itlooked so funny with my beard, and how the people would haveroared if I went on the stage like it.

August 2.—Mrs. Beck wrote tosay we could have our usual rooms at Broadstairs.That’s off our mind. Bought a coloured shirt and apair of tan-coloured boots, which I see many of the swell clerkswearing in the City, and hear are all the “go.”

August 3.—A beautifulday. Looking forward to to-morrow. Carrie bought aparasol about five feet long. I told her it wasridiculous. She said: “Mrs. James, of Sutton, has onetwice as long so;” the matter dropped. I bought acapital hat for hot weather at the seaside. I don’tknow what it is called, but it is the shape of the helmet worn inIndia, only made of straw. Got three new ties, two colouredhandkerchiefs, and a pair of navy-blue socks at PopeBrothers. Spent the evening packing. Carrie told menot to forget to borrow Mr. Higgsworth’s telescope, whichhe always lends me, knowing I know how to take care of it.Sent Sarah out for it. While everything was seeming sobright, the last post brought us a letter from Mrs. Beck, saying:“I have just let all my house to one party, and am sorry Imust take back my words, and am sorry you must find otherapartments; but Mrs. Womming, next door, will be pleased toaccommodate you, but she cannot take you before Monday, as herrooms are engaged Bank Holiday week.”

CHAPTER VI

The Unexpected Arrival Home of our Son, WillieLupin Pooter.

August 4.—The first postbrought a nice letter from our dear son Willie, acknowledging atrifling present which Carrie sent him, the day before yesterdaybeing his twentieth birthday. To our utter amazement heturned up himself in the afternoon, having journeyed all the wayfrom Oldham. He said he had got leave from the bank, and asMonday was a holiday he thought he would give us a littlesurprise.

August 5, Sunday.—We have notseen Willie since last Christmas, and are pleased to notice whata fine young man he has grown. One would scarcely believehe was Carrie’s son. He looks more like a youngerbrother. I rather disapprove of his wearing a check suit ona Sunday, and I think he ought to have gone to church thismorning; but he said he was tired after yesterday’sjourney, so I refrained from any remark on the subject. Wehad a bottle of port for dinner, and drank dear Willie’shealth.

He said: “Oh, by-the-by, did I tell you I’ve cutmy first name, ‘William,’ and taken the second name‘Lupin’? In fact, I’m only known atOldham as ‘Lupin Pooter.’ If you were to‘Willie’ me there, they wouldn’t know what youmeant.”

Of course, Lupin being a purely family name, Carrie wasdelighted, and began by giving a long history of theLupins. I ventured to say that I thought William a nicesimple name, and reminded him he was christened after his UncleWilliam, who was much respected in the City. Willie, in amanner which I did not much care for, said sneeringly: “Oh,I know all about that—Good old Bill!” and helpedhimself to a third glass of port.

Carrie objected strongly to my saying “Good old,”but she made no remark when Willie used the doubleadjective. I said nothing, but looked at her, which meantmore. I said: “My dear Willie, I hope you are happywith your colleagues at the Bank.” He replied:“Lupin, if you please; and with respect to the Bank,there’s not a clerk who is a gentleman, and the‘boss’ is a cad.” I felt so shocked, Icould say nothing, and my instinct told me there was somethingwrong.

August 6, Bank Holiday.—Asthere was no sign of Lupin moving at nine o’clock, Iknocked at his door, and said we usually breakfasted at half-pasteight, and asked how long would he be? Lupin replied thathe had had a lively time of it, first with the train shaking thehouse all night, and then with the sun streaming in through thewindow in his eyes, and giving him a cracking headache.Carrie came up and asked if he would like some breakfast sent up,and he said he could do with a cup of tea, and didn’t wantanything to eat.

Lupin not having come down, I went up again at half-past one,and said we dined at two; he said he “would bethere.” He never came down till a quarter tothree. I said: “We have not seen much of you, and youwill have to return by the 5.30 train; therefore you will have toleave in an hour, unless you go by the midnightmail.” He said: “Look here, Guv’nor,it’s no use beating about the bush. I’vetendered my resignation at the Bank.”

For a moment I could not speak. When my speech cameagain, I said: “How dare you, sir? How dare you takesuch a serious step without consulting me? Don’tanswer me, sir!—you will sit down immediately, and write anote at my dictation, withdrawing your resignation and amplyapologising for your thoughtlessness.”

Imagine my dismay when he replied with a loud guffaw:“It’s no use. If you want the good old truth,I’ve got the chuck!”

August 7.—Mr. Perkupp hasgiven me leave to postpone my holiday a week, as we could not getthe room. This will give us an opportunity of trying tofind an appointment for Willie before we go. The ambitionof my life would be to get him into Mr. Perkupp’s firm.

August 11.—Although it is aserious matter having our boy Lupin on our hands, still it issatisfactory to know he was asked to resign from the Bank simplybecause “he took no interest in his work, and alwaysarrived an hour (sometimes two hours) late.” We canall start off on Monday to Broadstairs with a light heart.This will take my mind off the worry of the last few days, whichhave been wasted over a useless correspondence with the managerof the Bank at Oldham.

August 13.—Hurrah! atBroadstairs. Very nice apartments near the station.On the cliffs they would have been double the price. Thelandlady had a nice five o’clock dinner and tea ready,which we all enjoyed, though Lupin seemed fastidious becausethere happened to be a fly in the butter. It was very wetin the evening, for which I was thankful, as it was a good excusefor going to bed early. Lupin said he would sit up and reada bit.

August 14.—I was a littleannoyed to find Lupin, instead of reading last night, had gone toa common sort of entertainment, given at the AssemblyRooms. I expressed my opinion that such performances wereunworthy of respectable patronage; but he replied: “Oh, itwas only ‘for one night only.’ I had a fit ofthe blues come on, and thought I would go to see Polly Presswell,England’s Particular Spark.” I told him I wasproud to say I had never heard of her. Carrie said:“Do let the boy alone. He’s quite old enough totake care of himself, and won’t forget he’s agentleman. Remember, you were young onceyourself.” Rained all day hard, but Lupin would goout.

August 15.—Cleared up a bit,so we all took the train to Margate, and the first person we meton the jetty was Gowing. I said: “Hulloh! Ithought you had gone to Barmouth with your Birminghamfriends?” He said: “Yes, but young PeterLawrence was so ill, they postponed their visit, so I came downhere. You know the Cummings’ are heretoo?” Carrie said: “Oh, that will bedelightful! We must have some evenings together and havegames.”

I introduced Lupin, saying: “You will be pleased to findwe have our dear boy at home!” Gowing said:“How’s that? You don’t mean to sayhe’s left the Bank?”

I changed the subject quickly, and thereby avoided any ofthose awkward questions which Gowing always has a knack ofasking.

August 16.—Lupin positivelyrefused to walk down the Parade with me because I was wearing mynew straw helmet with my frock-coat. I don’t knowwhat the boy is coming to.

August 17.—Lupin not fallingin with our views, Carrie and I went for a sail. It was arelief to be with her alone; for when Lupin irritates me, shealways sides with him. On our return, he said: “Oh,you’ve been on the ‘Shilling Emetic,’ haveyou? You’ll come to six-pennorth on the ‘LiverJerker’ next.” I presume he meant a tricycle,but I affected not to understand him.

August 18.—Gowing andCummings walked over to arrange an evening at Margate. Itbeing wet, Gowing asked Cummings to accompany him to the hoteland have a game of billiards, knowing I never play, and in factdisapprove of the game. Cummings said he must hasten backto Margate; whereupon Lupin, to my horror, said:“I’ll give you a game, Gowing—a hundredup. A walk round the cloth will give me an appetite fordinner.” I said: “Perhaps Mister Gowing doesnot care to play with boys.” Gowing surprised me bysaying: “Oh yes, I do, if they play well,” and theywalked off together.

August 19, Sunday.—I wasabout to read Lupin a sermon on smoking (which he indulges inviolently) and billiards, but he put on his hat and walkedout. Carrie then read mea long sermon on thepalpable inadvisability of treating Lupin as if he were a merechild. I felt she was somewhat right, so in the evening Ioffered him a cigar. He seemed pleased, but, after a fewwhiffs, said: “This is a good old tup’ny—tryone of mine,” and he handed me a cigar as long as it wasstrong, which is saying a good deal.

August 20.—I am glad our lastday at the seaside was fine, though clouded overhead. Wewent over to Cummings’ (at Margate) in the evening, and asit was cold, we stayed in and played games; Gowing, as usual,overstepping the mark. He suggested we should play“Cutlets,” a game we never heard of. He sat ona chair, and asked Carrie to sit on his lap, an invitation whichdear Carrie rightly declined.

After some species of wrangling, I sat on Gowing’s kneesand Carrie sat on the edge of mine. Lupin sat on the edgeof Carrie’s lap, then Cummings on Lupin’s, and Mrs.Cummings on her husband’s. We looked very ridiculous,and laughed a good deal.

Gowing then said: “Are you a believer in the GreatMogul?” We had to answer all together:“Yes—oh, yes!” (three times). Gowingsaid: “So am I,” and suddenly got up. Theresult of this stupid joke was that we all fell on the ground,and poor Carrie banged her head against the corner of thefender. Mrs. Cummings put some vinegar on; but through thiswe missed the last train, and had to drive back to Broadstairs,which cost me seven-and-sixpence.

CHAPTER VII

Home again. Mrs. James’ influenceon Carrie. Can get nothing for Lupin. Next-doorneighbours are a little troublesome. Some one tampers withmy diary. Got a place for Lupin. Lupin startles uswith an announcement.

August 22.—Home sweet Homeagain! Carrie bought some pretty blue-wool mats to standvases on. Fripps, Janus and Co. write to say they are sorrythey have no vacancy among their staff of clerks for Lupin.

August 23.—I bought a pair ofstags’ heads made of plaster-of-Paris and colouredbrown. They will look just the thing for our little hall,and give it style; the heads are excellent imitations.Poolers and Smith are sorry they have nothing to offer Lupin.

August 24.—Simply to pleaseLupin, and make things cheerful for him, as he is a little down,Carrie invited Mrs. James to come up from Sutton and spend two orthree days with us. We have not said a word to Lupin, butmean to keep it as a surprise.

August 25.—Mrs. James, ofSutton, arrived in the afternoon, bringing with her an enormousbunch of wild flowers. The more I see of Mrs. James thenicer I think she is, and she is devoted to Carrie. Shewent into Carrie’s room to take off her bonnet, andremained there nearly an hour talking about dress. Lupinsaid he was not a bit surprised at Mrs. James’visit, but was surprised at her.

August 26, Sunday.—Nearlylate for church, Mrs. James having talked considerably about whatto wear all the morning. Lupin does not seem to get on verywell with Mrs. James. I am afraid we shall have sometrouble with our next-door neighbours who came in lastWednesday. Several of their friends, who drive up indog-carts, have already made themselves objectionable.

An evening or two ago I had put on a white waistcoat forcoolness, and while walking past with my thumbs in my waistcoatpockets (a habit I have), one man, seated in the cart, andlooking like an American, commenced singing some vulgar nonsenseabout “I had thirteen dollars in my waistcoatpocket.” I fancied it was meant for me, and mysuspicions were confirmed; for while walking round the garden inmy tall hat this afternoon, a “throw-down” crackerwas deliberately aimed at my hat, and exploded on it like apercussion cap. I turned sharply, and am positive I saw theman who was in the cart retreating from one of the bedroomwindows.

August 27.—Carrie and Mrs.James went off shopping, and had not returned when I came backfrom the office. Judging from the subsequent conversation,I am afraid Mrs. James is filling Carrie’s head with a lotof nonsense about dress. I walked over to Gowing’sand asked him to drop in to supper, and make things pleasant.

Carrie prepared a little extemporised supper, consisting ofthe remainder of the cold joint, a small piece of salmon (which Iwas to refuse, in case there was not enough to go round), and ablanc-mange and custards. There was also a decanter of portand some jam puffs on the sideboard. Mrs. James made usplay rather a good game of cards, called“Muggings.” To my surprise, in fact disgust,Lupin got up in the middle, and, in a most sarcastic tone, said:“Pardon me, this sort of thing is too fast for me, I shallgo and enjoy a quiet game of marbles in theback-garden.”

Things might have become rather disagreeable but for Gowing(who seems to have taken to Lupin) suggesting they should inventgames. Lupin said: “Let’s play‘monkeys.’” He then led Gowing all roundthe room, and brought him in front of the looking-glass. Imust confess I laughed heartily at this. I was a littlevexed at everybody subsequently laughing at some joke which theydid not explain, and it was only on going to bed I discovered Imust have been walking about all the evening with an antimacassaron one button of my coat-tails.

August 28.—Found a largebrick in the middle bed of geraniums, evidently come from nextdoor. Pattles and Pattles can’t find a place forLupin.

August 29.—Mrs. James ismaking a positive fool of Carrie. Carrie appeared in a newdress like a smock-frock. She said “smocking”was all the rage. I replied it put me in a rage. Shealso had on a hat as big as a kitchen coal-scuttle, and the sameshape. Mrs. James went home, and both Lupin and I weresomewhat pleased—the first time we have agreed on a singlesubject since his return. Merkins and Son write they haveno vacancy for Lupin.

October 30.—I should verymuch like to know who has wilfully torn the last five or sixweeks out of my diary. It is perfectly monstrous!Mine is a large scribbling diary, with plenty of space for therecord of my everyday events, and in keeping up that record Itake (with much pride) a great deal of pains.

I asked Carrie if she knew anything about it. Shereplied it was my own fault for leaving the diary about with acharwoman cleaning and the sweeps in the house. I said thatwas not an answer to my question. This retort of mine,which I thought extremely smart, would have been more effectivehad I not jogged my elbow against a vase on a table temporarilyplaced in the passage, knocked it over, and smashed it.

Carrie was dreadfully upset at this disaster, for it was oneof a pair of vases which cannot be matched, given to us on ourwedding-day by Mrs. Burtsett, an old friend of Carrie’scousins, the Pommertons, late of Dalston. I called toSarah, and asked her about the diary. She said she had notbeen in the sitting-room at all; after the sweep had left, Mrs.Birrell (the charwoman) had cleaned the room and lighted the fireherself. Finding a burnt piece of paper in the grate, Iexamined it, and found it was a piece of my diary. So itwas evident some one had torn my diary to light the fire. Irequested Mrs. Birrell to be sent to me to-morrow.

October 31.—Received a letterfrom our principal, Mr. Perkupp, saying that he thinks he knowsof a place at last for our dear boy Lupin. This, in ameasure, consoles me for the loss of a portion of my diary; for Iam bound to confess the last few weeks have been devoted to therecord of disappointing answers received from people to whom Ihave applied for appointments for Lupin. Mrs. Birrellcalled, and, in reply to me, said: “She never seenobook, much less take such a liberty as touchit.”

I said I was determined to find out who did it, whereupon shesaid she would do her best to help me; but she remembered thesweep lighting the fire with a bit of the Echo. Irequested the sweep to be sent to me to-morrow. I wishCarrie had not given Lupin a latch-key; we never seem to seeanything of him. I sat up till past one for him, and thenretired tired.

November 1.—My entryyesterday about “retired tired,” which I did notnotice at the time, is rather funny. If I were not soworried just now, I might have had a little joke about it.The sweep called, but had the audacity to come up to thehall-door and lean his dirty bag of soot on the door-step.He, however, was so polite, I could not rebuke him. He saidSarah lighted the fire. Unfortunately, Sarah heard this,for she was dusting the banisters, and she ran down, and flewinto a temper with the sweep, causing a row on the frontdoor-steps, which I would not have had happen for anything.I ordered her about her business, and told the sweep I was sorryto have troubled him; and so I was, for the door-steps werecovered with soot in consequence of his visit. I wouldwillingly give ten shillings to find out who tore my diary.

November 2.—I spent theevening quietly with Carrie, of whose company I never tire.We had a most pleasant chat about the letters on “IsMarriage a Failure?” It has been no failure in ourcase. In talking over our own happy experiences, we nevernoticed that it was past midnight. We were startled byhearing the door slam violently. Lupin had come in.He made no attempt to turn down the gas in the passage, or evento look into the room where we were, but went straight up to bed,making a terrible noise. I asked him to come down for amoment, and he begged to be excused, as he was “deadbeat,” an observation that was scarcely consistent with thefact that, for a quarter of an hour afterwards, he was positivelydancing in his room, and shouting out, “See me dance thepolka!” or some such nonsense.

November 3.—Good news atlast. Mr. Perkupp has got an appointment for Lupin, and heis to go and see about it on Monday. Oh, how my mind isrelieved! I went to Lupin’s room to take the goodnews to him, but he was in bed, very seedy, so I resolved to keepit over till the evening.

He said he had last night been elected a member of an AmateurDramatic Club, called the “Holloway Comedians”; and,though it was a pleasant evening, he had sat in a draught, andgot neuralgia in the head. He declined to have anybreakfast, so I left him. In the evening I had up aspecial bottle of port, and, Lupin being in for a wonder, wefilled our glasses, and I said: “Lupin my boy, I have somegood and unexpected news for you. Mr. Perkupp has procuredyou an appointment!” Lupin said: “Goodbiz!” and we drained our glasses.

Lupin then said: “Fill up the glasses again, for I havesome good and unexpected news for you.”

I had some slight misgivings, and so evidently had Carrie, forshe said: “I hope we shall think it good news.”

Lupin said: “Oh, it’s all right!I’m engaged to be married!”

CHAPTER VIII

Daisy Mutlar sole topic of conversation.Lupin’s new berth. Fireworks at theCummings’. The “HollowayComedians.” Sarah quarrels with the charwoman.Lupin’s uncalled-for interference. Am introduced toDaisy Mutlar. We decide to give a party in her honour.

November 5, Sunday.—Carrieand I troubled about that mere boy Lupin getting engaged to bemarried without consulting us or anything. After dinner hetold us all about it. He said the lady’s name wasDaisy Mutlar, and she was the nicest, prettiest, and mostaccomplished girl he ever met. He loved her the moment hesaw her, and if he had to wait fifty years he would wait, and heknew she would wait for him.

Lupin further said, with much warmth, that the world was adifferent world to him now,—it was a world worth livingin. He lived with an object now, and that was to make DaisyMutlar—Daisy Pooter, and he would guarantee she would notdisgrace the family of the Pooters. Carrie here burst outcrying, and threw her arms round his neck, and in doing so, upsetthe glass of port he held in his hand all over his new lighttrousers.

I said I had no doubt we should like Miss Mutlar when we sawher, but Carrie said she loved her already. I thought thisrather premature, but held my tongue. Daisy Mutlar was thesole topic of conversation for the remainder of the day. Iasked Lupin who her people were, and he replied: “Oh, youknow Mutlar, Williams and Watts.” I did not know, butrefrained from asking any further questions at present, for fearof irritating Lupin.

November 6.—Lupin went withme to the office, and had a long conversation with Mr. Perkupp,our principal, the result of which was that he accepted aclerkship in the firm of Job Cleanands and Co., Stock and ShareBrokers. Lupin told me, privately, it was an advertisingfirm, and he did not think much of it. I replied:“Beggars should not be choosers;” and I will do Lupinthe justice to say, he looked rather ashamed of himself.

In the evening we went round to the Cummings’, to have afew fireworks. It began to rain, and I thought it ratherdull. One of my squibs would not go off, and Gowing said:“Hit it on your boot, boy; it will go offthen.” I gave it a few knocks on the end of my boot,and it went off with one loud explosion, and burnt my fingersrather badly. I gave the rest of the squibs to the littleCummings’ boy to let off.

Another unfortunate thing happened, which brought a heap ofabuse on my head. Cummings fastened a large wheel set-pieceon a stake in the ground by way of a grand finale. He madea great fuss about it; said it cost seven shillings. Therewas a little difficulty in getting it alight. At last itwent off; but after a couple of slow revolutions itstopped. I had my stick with me, so I gave it a tap to sendit round, and, unfortunately, it fell off the stake on to thegrass. Anybody would have thought I had set the house onfire from the way in which they stormed at me. I will neverjoin in any more firework parties. It is a ridiculous wasteof time and money.

November 7.—Lupin askedCarrie to call on Mrs. Mutlar, but Carrie said she thought Mrs.Mutlar ought to call on her first. I agreed with Carrie,and this led to an argument. However, the matter wassettled by Carrie saying she could not find any visiting cards,and we must get some more printed, and when they were finishedwould be quite time enough to discuss the etiquette ofcalling.

November 8.—I ordered some ofour cards at Black’s, the stationers. I orderedtwenty-five of each, which will last us for a good longtime. In the evening, Lupin brought in Harry Mutlar, MissMutlar’s brother. He was rather a gawky youth, andLupin said he was the most popular and best amateur in the club,referring to the “Holloway Comedians.” Lupinwhispered to us that if we could only “draw out”Harry a bit, he would make us roar with laughter.

At supper, young Mutlar did several amusing things. Hetook up a knife, and with the flat part of it played a tune onhis cheek in a wonderful manner. He also gave an imitationof an old man with no teeth, smoking a big cigar. The wayhe kept dropping the cigar sent Carrie into fits.

In the course of conversation, Daisy’s name cropped up,and young Mutlar said he would bring his sister round to us oneevening—his parents being rather old-fashioned, and notgoing out much. Carrie said we would get up a littlespecial party. As young Mutlar showed no inclination to go,and it was approaching eleven o’clock, as a hint I remindedLupin that he had to be up early to-morrow. Instead oftaking the hint, Mutlar began a series of comic imitations.He went on for an hour without cessation. Poor Carrie couldscarcely keep her eyes open. At last she made an excuse,and said “Good-night.”

Mutlar then left, and I heard him and Lupin whispering in thehall something about the “Holloway Comedians,” and tomy disgust, although it was past midnight, Lupin put on his hatand coat, and went out with his new companion.

November 9.—My endeavours todiscover who tore the sheets out of my diary stillfruitless. Lupin has Daisy Mutlar on the brain, so we seelittle of him, except that he invariably turns up at mealtimes. Cummings dropped in.

November 10.—Lupin seems tolike his new berth—that’s a comfort. DaisyMutlar the sole topic of conversation during tea. Carriealmost as full of it as Lupin. Lupin informs me, to mydisgust, that he has been persuaded to take part in theforthcoming performance of the “HollowayComedians.” He says he is to play Bob Britches in thefarce, Gone to my Uncle’s; Frank Mutlar is going toplay old Musty. I told Lupin pretty plainly I was not inthe least degree interested in the matter, and totallydisapproved of amateur theatricals. Gowing came in theevening.

November 11.—Returned home tofind the house in a most disgraceful uproar, Carrie, who appearedvery frightened, was standing outside her bedroom, while Sarahwas excited and crying. Mrs. Birrell (the charwoman), whohad evidently been drinking, was shouting at the top of her voicethat she was “no thief, that she was a respectable woman,who had to work hard for her living, and she would smackanyone’s face who put lies into her mouth.”Lupin, whose back was towards me, did not hear me come in.He was standing between the two women, and, I regret to say, inhis endeavour to act as peacemaker, he made use of rather stronglanguage in the presence of his mother; and I was just in time tohear him say: “And all this fuss about the loss of a fewpages from a rotten diary that wouldn’t fetchthree-halfpence a pound!” I said, quietly:“Pardon me, Lupin, that is a matter of opinion; and as I ammaster of this house, perhaps you will allow me to take thereins.”

I ascertained that the cause of the row was, that Sarah hadaccused Mrs. Birrell of tearing the pages out of my diary to wrapup some kitchen fat and leavings which she had taken out of thehouse last week. Mrs. Birrell had slapped Sarah’sface, and said she had taken nothing out of the place, as therewas “never no leavings to take.” I orderedSarah back to her work, and requested Mrs. Birrell to gohome. When I entered the parlour Lupin was kicking his legsin the air, and roaring with laughter.

November 12, Sunday.—Cominghome from church Carrie and I met Lupin, Daisy Mutlar, and herbrother. Daisy was introduced to us, and we walked hometogether, Carrie walking on with Miss Mutlar. We asked themin for a few minutes, and I had a good look at my futuredaughter-in-law. My heart quite sank. She is a bigyoung woman, and I should think at least eight years older thanLupin. I did not even think her good-looking. Carrieasked her if she could come in on Wednesday next with her brotherto meet a few friends. She replied that she would only betoo pleased.

November 13.—Carrie sent outinvitations to Gowing, the Cummings, to Mr. and Mrs. James (ofSutton), and Mr. Stillbrook. I wrote a note to Mr.Franching, of Peckham. Carrie said we may as well make it anice affair, and why not ask our principal, Mr. Perkupp? Isaid I feared we were not quite grand enough for him.Carrie said there was “no offence in askinghim.” I said: “Certainly not,” and Iwrote him a letter. Carrie confessed she was a littledisappointed with Daisy Mutlar’s appearance, but thoughtshe seemed a nice girl.

November 14.—Everybody so farhas accepted for our quite grand little party forto-morrow. Mr. Perkupp, in a nice letter which I shallkeep, wrote that he was dining in Kensington, but if he could getaway, he would come up to Holloway for an hour. Carrie wasbusy all day, making little cakes and open jam puffs andjellies. She said she felt quite nervous about herresponsibilities to-morrow evening. We decided to have somelight things on the table, such as sandwiches, cold chicken andham, and some sweets, and on the sideboard a nice piece of coldbeef and a Paysandu tongue—for the more hungry ones to peginto if they liked.

Gowing called to know if he was to put on“swallow-tails” to-morrow. Carrie said he hadbetter dress, especially as Mr. Franching was coming, and therewas a possibility of Mr. Perkupp also putting in anappearance.

Gowing said: “Oh, I only wanted to know, for I have notworn my dress-coat for some time, and I must send it to have thecreases pressed out.”

After Gowing left, Lupin came in, and in his anxiety to pleaseDaisy Mutlar, carped at and criticised the arrangements, and, infact, disapproved of everything, including our having asked ourold friend Cummings, who, he said, would look in evening-dresslike a green-grocer engaged to wait, and who must not besurprised if Daisy took him for one.

I fairly lost my temper, and said: “Lupin, allow me totell you Miss Daisy Mutlar is not the Queen of England. Igave you credit for more wisdom than to allow yourself to beinveigled into an engagement with a woman considerably older thanyourself. I advise you to think of earning your livingbefore entangling yourself with a wife whom you will have tosupport, and, in all probability, her brother also, who appearedto be nothing but a loafer.”

Instead of receiving this advice in a sensible manner, Lupinjumped up and said: “If you insult the lady I am engagedto, you insult me. I will leave the house and never darkenyour doors again.”

He went out of the house, slamming the hall-door. But itwas all right. He came back to supper, and we playedBézique till nearly twelve o’clock.

CHAPTER IX

Our first important Party. Old Friendsand New Friends. Gowing is a little annoying; but hisfriend, Mr. Stillbrook, turns out to be quite amusing.Inopportune arrival of Mr. Perkupp, but he is most kind andcomplimentary. Party a great success.

November 15.—A red-letterday. Our first important party since we have been in thishouse. I got home early from the City. Lupin insistedon having a hired waiter, and stood a half-dozen ofchampagne. I think this an unnecessary expense, but Lupinsaid he had had a piece of luck, having made three pounds out aprivate deal in the City. I hope he won’t gamble inhis new situation. The supper-room looked so nice, andCarrie truly said: “We need not be ashamed of its beingseen by Mr. Perkupp, should he honour us by coming.”

I dressed early in case people should arrive punctually ateight o’clock, and was much vexed to find my newdress-trousers much too short.

Lupin, who is getting beyond his position, found fault with mywearing ordinary boots instead of dress-boots.

I replied satirically: “My dear son, I have lived to beabove that sort of thing.”

Lupin burst out laughing, and said: “A man generally wasabove his boots.”

This may be funny, or it may not; but I was gratifiedto find he had not discovered the coral had come off one of mystuds. Carrie looked a picture, wearing the dress she woreat the Mansion House. The arrangement of the drawing-roomwas excellent. Carrie had hung muslin curtains over thefolding-doors, and also over one of the entrances, for we hadremoved the door from its hinges.

Mr. Peters, the waiter, arrived in good time, and I gave himstrict orders not to open another bottle of champagne until theprevious one was empty. Carrie arranged for some sherry andport wine to be placed on the drawing-room sideboard, with someglasses. By-the-by, our new enlarged and tinted photographslook very nice on the walls, especially as Carrie has arrangedsome Liberty silk bows on the four corners of them.

The first arrival was Gowing, who, with his usual taste,greeted me with: “Hulloh, Pooter, why your trousers are tooshort!”

I simply said: “Very likely, and you will find my temper‘short’ also.”

He said: “That won’t make your trousers longer,Juggins. You should get your missus to put a flounce onthem.”

I wonder I waste my time entering his insulting observationsin my diary.

The next arrivals were Mr. and Mrs. Cummings. The formersaid: “As you didn’t say anything about dress, I havecome ‘half dress.’” He had on a blackfrock-coat and white tie. The James’, Mr. Merton, andMr. Stillbrook arrived, but Lupin was restless and unbearabletill his Daisy Mutlar and Frank arrived.

Carrie and I were rather startled at Daisy’sappearance. She had a bright-crimson dress on, cut very lowin the neck. I do not think such a style modest. Sheought to have taken a lesson from Carrie, and covered hershoulders with a little lace. Mr. Nackles, Mr. Sprice-Hoggand his four daughters came; so did Franching, and one or two ofLupin’s new friends, members of the “HollowayComedians.” Some of these seemed rather theatrical intheir manner, especially one, who was posing all the evening, andleant on our little round table and cracked it. Lupincalled him “our Henry,” and said he was “ourlead at the H.C.’s,” and was quite as good in thatdepartment as Harry Mutlar was as the low-comedy merchant.All this is Greek to me.

We had some music, and Lupin, who never left Daisy’sside for a moment, raved over her singing of a song, called“Some Day.” It seemed a pretty song, but shemade such grimaces, and sang, to my mind, so out of tune, I wouldnot have asked her to sing again; but Lupin made her sing foursongs right off, one after the other.

At ten o’clock we went down to supper, and from the wayGowing and Cummings ate you would have thought they had not had ameal for a month. I told Carrie to keep something back incase Mr. Perkupp should come by mere chance. Gowing annoyedme very much by filling a large tumbler of champagne, anddrinking it straight off. He repeated this action, and mademe fear our half-dozen of champagne would not last out. Itried to keep a bottle back, but Lupin got hold of it, and tookit to the side-table with Daisy and Frank Mutlar.

We went upstairs, and the young fellows beganskylarking. Carrie put a stop to that at once.Stillbrook amused us with a song, “What have you done withyour Cousin John?” I did not notice that Lupin andFrank had disappeared. I asked Mr. Watson, one of theHolloways, where they were, and he said: “It’s a caseof ‘Oh, what a surprise!’”

We were directed to form a circle—which we did.Watson then said: “I have much pleasure in introducing thecelebrated Blondin Donkey.” Frank and Lupin thenbounded into the room. Lupin had whitened his face like aclown, and Frank had tied round his waist a largehearthrug. He was supposed to be the donkey, and he lookedit. They indulged in a very noisy pantomime, and we wereall shrieking with laughter.

I turned round suddenly, and then I saw Mr. Perkupp standinghalf-way in the door, he having arrived without our knowingit. I beckoned to Carrie, and we went up to him atonce. He would not come right into the room. Iapologised for the foolery, but Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh, itseems amusing.” I could see he was not a bitamused.

Carrie and I took him downstairs, but the table was awreck. There was not a glass of champagne left—noteven a sandwich. Mr. Perkupp said he required nothing, butwould like a glass of seltzer or soda water. The lastsyphon was empty. Carrie said: “We have plenty ofport wine left.” Mr. Perkupp said, with a smile:“No, thank you. I really require nothing, but I ammost pleased to see you and your husband in your own home.Good-night, Mrs. Pooter—you will excuse my very short stay,I know.” I went with him to his carriage, and hesaid: “Don’t trouble to come to the office tilltwelve to-morrow.”

I felt despondent as I went back to the house, and I toldCarrie I thought the party was a failure. Carrie said itwas a great success, and I was only tired, and insisted on myhaving some port myself. I drank two glasses, and felt muchbetter, and we went into the drawing-room, where they hadcommenced dancing. Carrie and I had a little dance, which Isaid reminded me of old days. She said I was a spooney oldthing.

CHAPTER X

Reflections. I make another GoodJoke. Am annoyed at the constant serving-up of the“Blanc-Mange.” Lupin expresses his opinion ofWeddings. Lupin falls out with Daisy Mutlar.

November 16.—Woke abouttwenty times during the night, with terrible thirst.Finished off all the water in the bottle, as well as half that inthe jug. Kept dreaming also, that last night’s partywas a failure, and that a lot of low people came withoutinvitation, and kept chaffing and throwing things at Mr. Perkupp,till at last I was obliged to hide him in the box-room (which wehad just discovered), with a bath-towel over him. It seemsabsurd now, but it was painfully real in the dream. I hadthe same dream about a dozen times.

Carrie annoyed me by saying: “You know champagne neveragrees with you.” I told her I had only a couple ofglasses of it, having kept myself entirely to port. I addedthat good champagne hurt nobody, and Lupin told me he had onlygot it from a traveller as a favour, as that particular brand hadbeen entirely bought up by a West-End club.

I think I ate too heartily of the “side dishes,”as the waiter called them. I said to Carrie: “I wishI had put those ‘side dishes’aside.” I repeated this, but Carrie was busy,packing up the teaspoons we had borrowed of Mrs. Cummings for theparty. It was just half-past eleven, and I was starting forthe office, when Lupin appeared, with a yellow complexion, andsaid: “Hulloh! Guv., what priced head have you thismorning?” I told him he might just as well speak tome in Dutch. He added: “When I woke this morning, myhead was as big as Baldwin’s balloon.” On thespur of the moment I said the cleverest thing I think I have eversaid; viz.: “Perhaps that accounts for theparashootingpains.” We roared.

November 17.—Still feel tiredand headachy! In the evening Gowing called, and was full ofpraise about our party last Wednesday. He said everythingwas done beautifully, and he enjoyed himself enormously.Gowing can be a very nice fellow when he likes, but you neverknow how long it will last. For instance, he stopped tosupper, and seeing some blanc-mangeon the table, shoutedout, while the servant was in the room: “Hulloh! Theremains of Wednesday?”

November 18.—Woke up quitefresh after a good night’s rest, and feel quite myselfagain. I am satisfied a life of going-out and Society isnot a life for me; we therefore declined the invitation which wereceived this morning to Miss Bird’s wedding. We onlymet her twice at Mrs. James’, and it means a present.Lupin said: “I am with you for once. To my mind awedding’s a very poor play. There are only two partsin it—the bride and bridegroom. The best man is onlya walking gentleman. With the exception of a crying fatherand a snivelling mother, the rest are superswho have todress well and have to payfor their insignificant partsin the shape of costly presents.” I did not care forthe theatrical slang, but thought it clever, thoughdisrespectful.

I told Sarah not to bring up the blanc-mangeagain forbreakfast. It seems to have been placed on our table atevery meal since Wednesday. Cummings came round in theevening, and congratulated us on the success of our party.He said it was the best party he had been to for many a year; buthe wished we had let him know it was full dress, as he would haveturned up in his swallow-tails. We sat down to a quiet gameof dominoes, and were interrupted by the noisy entrance of Lupinand Frank Mutlar. Cummings and I asked them to joinus. Lupin said he did not care for dominoes, and suggesteda game of “Spoof.” On my asking if it requiredcounters, Frank and Lupin in measured time said: “One, two,three; go! Have you an estate in Greenland?” Itwas simply Greek to me, but it appears it is one of the customsof the “Holloway Comedians” to do this when a memberdisplays ignorance.

In spite of my instructions, that blanc-mangewasbrought up again for supper. To make matters worse, therehad been an attempt to disguise it, by placing it in a glass dishwith jam round it. Carrie asked Lupin if he would havesome, and he replied: “No second-hand goods for me, thankyou.” I told Carrie, when we were alone, if thatblanc-mangewere placed on the table again I should walkout of the house.

November 19, Sunday.—Adelightfully quiet day. In the afternoon Lupin was off tospend the rest of the day with the Mutlars. He departed inthe best of spirits, and Carrie said: “Well, one advantageof Lupin’s engagement with Daisy is that the boy seemshappy all day long. That quite reconciles me to what I mustconfess seems an imprudent engagement.”

Carrie and I talked the matter over during the evening, andagreed that it did not always follow that an early engagementmeant an unhappy marriage. Dear Carrie reminded me that wemarried early, and, with the exception of a few trivialmisunderstandings, we had never had a really serious word.I could not help thinking (as I told her) that half the pleasuresof life were derived from the little struggles and smallprivations that one had to endure at the beginning of one’smarried life. Such struggles were generally occasioned bywant of means, and often helped to make loving couples standtogether all the firmer.

Carrie said I had expressed myself wonderfully well, and thatI was quite a philosopher.

We are all vain at times, and I must confess I felt flatteredby Carrie’s little compliment. I don’t pretendto be able to express myself in fine language, but I feel I havethe power of expressing my thoughts with simplicity andlucidness. About nine o’clock, to our surprise, Lupinentered, with a wild, reckless look, and in a hollow voice, whichI must say seemed rather theatrical, said: “Have you anybrandy?” I said: “No; but here is somewhisky.” Lupin drank off nearly a wineglassfulwithout water, to my horror.

We all three sat reading in silence till ten, when Carrie andI rose to go to bed. Carrie said to Lupin: “I hopeDaisy is well?”

Lupin, with a forced careless air that he must have picked upfrom the “Holloway Comedians,” replied: “Oh,Daisy? You mean Miss Mutlar. I don’t knowwhether she is well or not, but please never to mention hername again in my presence.”

CHAPTER XI

We have a dose of Irving imitations.Make the acquaintance of a Mr. Padge. Don’t care forhim. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton becomes a nuisance.

November 20.—Have seennothing of Lupin the whole day. Bought a cheapaddress-book. I spent the evening copying in the names andaddresses of my friends and acquaintances. Left out theMutlars of course.

November 21.—Lupin turned upfor a few minutes in the evening. He asked for a drop ofbrandy with a sort of careless look, which to my mind wastheatrical and quite ineffective. I said: “My boy, Ihave none, and I don’t think I should give it you if Ihad.” Lupin said: “I’ll go where I canget some,” and walked out of the house. Carrie tookthe boy’s part, and the rest of the evening was spent in adisagreeable discussion, in which the words “Daisy”and “Mutlar” must have occurred a thousand times.

November 22.—Gowing andCummings dropped in during the evening. Lupin also came in,bringing his friend, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton—one of the“Holloway Comedians”—who was at our party theother night, and who cracked our little round table. Happyto say Daisy Mutlar was never referred to. The conversationwas almost entirely monopolised by the young fellow Fosselton,who not only looked rather like Mr. Irving, but seemed to imaginethat he wasthe celebrated actor. I must say he gavesome capital imitations of him. As he showed no signs ofmoving at supper time, I said: “If you like to stay, Mr.Fosselton, for our usual crust—pray do.” Hereplied: “Oh! thanks; but please call meBurwin-Fosselton. It is a double name. There are lotsof Fosseltons, but please call me Burwin-Fosselton.”

He began doing the Irving business all through supper.He sank so low down in his chair that his chin was almost on alevel with the table, and twice he kicked Carrie under the table,upset his wine, and flashed a knife uncomfortably nearGowing’s face. After supper he kept stretching outhis legs on the fender, indulging in scraps of quotations fromplays which were Greek to me, and more than once knocked over thefire-irons, making a hideous row—poor Carrie already havinga bad headache.

When he went, he said, to our surprise: “I will cometo-morrow and bring my Irving make-up.” Gowing andCummings said they would like to see it and would come too.I could not help thinking they might as well give a party at myhouse while they are about it. However, as Carrie sensiblysaid: “Do anything, dear, to make Lupin forget the DaisyMutlar business.”

November 23.—In the evening,Cummings came early. Gowing came a little later andbrought, without asking permission, a fat and, I think, veryvulgar-looking man named Padge, who appeared to be allmoustache. Gowing never attempted any apology to either ofus, but said Padge wanted to see the Irving business, to whichPadge said: “That’s right,” and that is aboutall he didsay during the entire evening. Lupin camein and seemed in much better spirits. He had prepared a bitof a surprise. Mr. Burwin-Fosselton had come in with him,but had gone upstairs to get ready. In half-an-hour Lupinretired from the parlour, and returning in a few minutes,announced “Mr. Henry Irving.”

I must say we were all astounded. I never saw such aresemblance. It was astonishing. The only person whodid not appear interested was the man Padge, who had got the bestarm-chair, and was puffing away at a foul pipe into thefireplace. After some little time I said; “Why doactors always wear their hair so long?” Carrie in amoment said, “Mr. Hare doesn’t wear longhair.” How we laughed except Mr. Fosselton,who said, in a rather patronising kind of way, “The joke,Mrs. Pooter, is extremely appropriate, if not altogethernew.” Thinking this rather a snub, I said: “Mr.Fosselton, I fancy—” He interrupted me bysaying: “Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, if you please,”which made me quite forget what I was going to say to him.During the supper Mr. Burwin-Fosselton again monopolised theconversation with his Irving talk, and both Carrie and I came tothe conclusion one can have even too much imitation ofIrving. After supper, Mr. Burwin-Fosselton got a little tooboisterous over his Irving imitation, and suddenly seizing Gowingby the collar of his coat, dug his thumb-nail, accidentally ofcourse, into Gowing’s neck and took a piece of fleshout. Gowing was rightly annoyed, but that man Padge, whohaving declined our modest supper in order that he should notlose his comfortable chair, burst into an uncontrollable fit oflaughter at the little misadventure. I was so annoyed atthe conduct of Padge, I said: “I suppose you would havelaughed if he had poked Mr. Gowing’s eye out?” towhich Padge replied: “That’s right,” andlaughed more than ever. I think perhaps the greatestsurprise was when we broke up, for Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said:“Good-night, Mr. Pooter. I’m glad you like theimitation, I’ll bring the other make-up to-morrownight.”

November 24.—I went to townwithout a pocket-handkerchief. This is the second time Ihave done this during the last week. I must be losing mymemory. Had it not been for this Daisy Mutlar business, Iwould have written to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and told him I shouldbe out this evening, but I fancy he is the sort of young man whowould come all the same.

Dear old Cummings came in the evening; but Gowing sent round alittle note saying he hoped I would excuse his not turning up,which rather amused me. He added that his neck was stillpainful. Of course, Burwin-Fosselton came, but Lupin neverturned up, and imagine my utter disgust when that man Padgeactually came again, and not even accompanied by Gowing. Iwas exasperated, and said: “Mr. Padge, this is asurprise.” Dear Carrie, fearingunpleasantness, said: “Oh! I suppose Mr. Padge has onlycome to see the other Irving make-up.” Mr. Padgesaid: “That’s right,” and took the best chairagain, from which he never moved the whole evening.

My only consolation is, he takes no supper, so he is not anexpensive guest, but I shall speak to Gowing about thematter. The Irving imitations and conversations occupiedthe whole evening, till I was sick of it. Once we had arather heated discussion, which was commenced by Cummings sayingthat it appeared to him that Mr. Burwin-Fosselton was not onlylikeMr. Irving, but was in his judgment every way asgoodor even better. I ventured to remarkthat after all it was but an imitation of an original.

Cummings said surely some imitations were better than theoriginals. I made what I considered a very clever remark:“Without an original there can be noimitation.” Mr. Burwin-Fosselton said quiteimpertinently: “Don’t discuss me in my presence, ifyou please; and, Mr. Pooter, I should advise you to talk aboutwhat you understand;” to which that cad Padge replied:“That’s right.” Dear Carrie saved thewhole thing by suddenly saying: “I’ll be EllenTerry.” Dear Carrie’s imitation wasn’t abit liked, but she was so spontaneous and so funny that thedisagreeable discussion passed off. When they left, I verypointedly said to Mr. Burwin-Fosselton and Mr. Padge that weshould be engaged to-morrow evening.

November 25.—Had a longletter from Mr. Fosselton respecting last night’s Irvingdiscussion. I was very angry, and I wrote and said I knewlittle or nothing about stage matters, was not in the leastinterested in them and positively declined to be drawn into adiscussion on the subject, even at the risk of its leading to abreach of friendship. I never wrote a more determinedletter.

On returning home at the usual hour on Saturday afternoon Imet near the Archway Daisy Mutlar. My heart gave aleap. I bowed rather stiffly, but she affected not to haveseen me. Very much annoyed in the evening by the laundresssending home an odd sock. Sarah said she sent two pairs,and the laundress declared only a pair and a half weresent. I spoke to Carrie about it, but she rather testilyreplied: “I am tired of speaking to her; you had better goand speak to her yourself. She is outside.” Idid so, but the laundress declared that only an odd sock wassent.

Gowing passed into the passage at this time and was rudeenough to listen to the conversation, and interrupting, said:“Don’t waste the odd sock, old man; do an act ofcharity and give it to some poor man with only oneleg.” The laundress giggled like an idiot. Iwas disgusted and walked upstairs for the purpose of pinning downmy collar, as the button had come off the back of my shirt.

When I returned to the parlour, Gowing was retailing hisidiotic joke about the odd sock, and Carrie was roaring withlaughter. I suppose I am losing my sense of humour. Ispoke my mind pretty freely about Padge. Gowing said he hadmet him only once before that evening. He had beenintroduced by a friend, and as he (Padge) had “stood”a good dinner, Gowing wished to show him some littlereturn. Upon my word, Gowing’s coolness surpasses allbelief. Lupin came in before I could reply, and Gowingunfortunately inquired after Daisy Mutlar. Lupin shouted:“Mind your own business, sir!” and bounced out of theroom, slamming the door. The remainder of the night wasDaisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar—Daisy Mutlar. Ohdear!

November 26, Sunday.—Thecurate preached a very good sermon to-day—very goodindeed. His appearance is never so impressive as our dearold vicar’s, but I am bound to say his sermons are muchmore impressive. A rather annoying incident occurred, ofwhich I must make mention. Mrs. Fernlosse, who is quite agrand lady, living in one of those large houses in the CamdenRoad, stopped to speak to me after church, when we were allcoming out. I must say I felt flattered, for she is thoughta good deal of. I suppose she knew me through seeing me sooften take round the plate, especially as she always occupies thecorner seat of the pew. She is a very influential lady, andmay have had something of the utmost importance to say, butunfortunately, as she commenced to speak a strong gust of windcame and blew my hat off into the middle of the road.

I had to run after it, and had the greatest difficulty inrecovering it. When I had succeeded in doing so, I foundMrs. Fernlosse had walked on with some swell friends, and I feltI could not well approach her now, especially as my hat wassmothered with mud. I cannot say how disappointed Ifelt.

In the evening (Sundayevening of all others) I foundan impertinent note from Mr. Burwin-Fosselton, which ran asfollows:

“Dear Mr.Pooter,—Although your junior by perhaps some twentyor thirty years—which is sufficient reason that you oughtto have a longer record of the things and ways in this miniatureof a planet—I feel it is just within the bounds ofpossibility that the wheels of your life don’t travel soquickly round as those of the humble writer of these lines.The dandy horse of past days has been known to overtake theslow coach.

“Do I make myself understood?

“Very well, then! Permit me, Mr. Pooter, to adviseyou to accept the verb. sap. Acknowledge yourdefeat, and take your whipping gracefully; for remember you threwdown the glove, and I cannot claim to be either mentally orphysically a coward!

“Revenons à nos moutons.

“Our lives run in different grooves. I live for MYART—THE STAGE. Your life is devoted to commercialpursuits—‘A life among Ledgers.’ My booksare of different metal. Your life in the City ishonourable, I admit. But how different! Cannoteven you see the ocean between us? A channel that preventsthe meeting of our brains in harmonious accord. Ah!But chaçun à son goût.

“I have registered a vow to mount the steps offame. I may crawl, I may slip, I may even falter (we areall weak), but reach the top rung of the ladder Iwill!!! When there, my voice shall be heard, for I willshout to the multitudes below: ‘Vici!’For the present I am only an amateur, and my work is unknown,forsooth, save to a party of friends, with here and there anenemy.

“But, Mr. Pooter, let me ask you, ‘What is thedifference between the amateur and the professional?’

“None!!!

“Stay! Yes, there is a difference. One ispaidfor doing what the other does as skilfully fornothing!

“But I will be paid, too! For I,contrary to the wishes of my family and friends, have at lastelected to adopt the stage as myprofession. Andwhen the farcecraze is over—and, mark you,that will be soon—I will make my power known; for Ifeel—pardon my apparent conceit—that there is noliving man who can play the hump-backed Richard as I feeland knowI can.

“And youwill be the first to come round and bendyour head in submission. There are many matters you mayunderstand, but knowledge of the fine art of acting is to you anunknown quantity.

“Pray let this discussion cease with this letter.Vale!

Yours truly,
“Burwin-Fosselton.”

I was disgusted. When Lupin came in, I handed him thisimpertinent letter, and said: “My boy, in that letter youcan see the true character of your friend.”

Lupin, to my surprise, said: “Oh yes. He showed methe letter before he sent it. I think he is right, and youought to apologise.”

CHAPTER XII

A serious discussion concerning the use andvalue of my diary. Lupin’s opinion of’Xmas. Lupin’s unfortunate engagement is onagain.

December 17.—As I open myscribbling diary I find the words “Oxford Michaelmas Termends.” Why this should induce me to indulge inretrospective I don’t know, but it does. The last fewweeks of my diary are of minimum interest. The breaking offof the engagement between Lupin and Daisy Mutlar has made him adifferent being, and Carrie a rather depressing companion.She was a little dull last Saturday, and I thought to cheer herup by reading some extracts from my diary; but she walked out ofthe room in the middle of the reading, without a word. Onher return, I said: “Did my diary bore you,darling?”

She replied, to my surprise: “I really wasn’tlistening, dear. I was obliged to leave to giveinstructions to the laundress. In consequence of some stuffshe puts in the water, two more of Lupin’s coloured shirtshave run and he says he won’t wear them.”

I said: “Everything is Lupin. It’s allLupin, Lupin, Lupin. There was not a single button on myshirt yesterday, but Imade no complaint.”

Carrie simply replied: “You should do as all other mendo, and wear studs. In fact, I never saw anyone but youwear buttons on the shirt-fronts.”

I said: “I certainly wore none yesterday, for there werenone on.”

Another thought that strikes me is that Gowing seldom calls inthe evening, and Cummings never does. I fear theydon’t get on well with Lupin.

December 18.—Yesterday I wasin a retrospective vein—to-day it isprospective. I see nothing but clouds, clouds,clouds. Lupin is perfectly intolerable over the DaisyMutlar business. He won’t say what is the cause ofthe breach. He is evidently condemning her conduct, andyet, if we venture to agree with him, says he won’t hear aword against her. So what is one to do? Another thingwhich is disappointing to me is, that Carrie and Lupin take nointerest whatever in my diary.

I broached the subject at the breakfast-table to-day. Isaid: “I was in hopes that, if anything ever happened tome, the diary would be an endless source of pleasure to you both;to say nothing of the chance of the remuneration which may accruefrom its being published.”

Both Carrie and Lupin burst out laughing. Carrie wassorry for this, I could see, for she said: “I did not meanto be rude, dear Charlie; but truly I do not think your diarywould sufficiently interest the public to be taken up by apublisher.”

I replied: “I am sure it would prove quite asinteresting as some of the ridiculous reminiscences that havebeen published lately. Besides, it’s the diary thatmakes the man. Where would Evelyn and Pepys have been if ithad not been for their diaries?”

Carrie said I was quite a philosopher; but Lupin, in a jeeringtone, said: “If it had been written on larger paper, Guv.,we might get a fair price from a butterman for it.”

As I am in the prospective vein, I vow the end of this yearwill see the end of my diary.

December 19.—The annualinvitation came to spend Christmas with Carrie’smother—the usual family festive gathering to which wealways look forward. Lupin declined to go. I wasastounded, and expressed my surprise and disgust. Lupinthen obliged us with the following Radical speech: “I hatea family gathering at Christmas. What does it mean?Why someone says: ‘Ah! we miss poor Uncle James, who washere last year,’ and we all begin to snivel. Someoneelse says: ‘It’s two years since poor Aunt Liz usedto sit in that corner.’ Then we all begin to snivelagain. Then another gloomy relation says ‘Ah! Iwonder whose turn it will be next?’ Then we allsnivel again, and proceed to eat and drink too much; and theydon’t discover until Iget up that we have beenseated thirteen at dinner.”

December 20.—Went toSmirksons’, the drapers, in the Strand, who this year haveturned out everything in the shop and devoted the whole place tothe sale of Christmas cards. Shop crowded with people, whoseemed to take up the cards rather roughly, and, after a hurriedglance at them, throw them down again. I remarked to one ofthe young persons serving, that carelessness appeared to be adisease with some purchasers. The observation was scarcelyout of my mouth, when my thick coat-sleeve caught against a largepile of expensive cards in boxes one on top of the other, andthrew them down. The manager came forward, looking verymuch annoyed, and picking up several cards from the ground, saidto one of the assistants, with a palpable side-glance at me:“Put these amongst the sixpenny goods; they can’t besold for a shilling now.” The result was, I felt itmy duty to buy some of these damaged cards.

I had to buy more and pay more than intended.Unfortunately I did not examine them all, and when I got home Idiscovered a vulgar card with a picture of a fat nurse with twobabies, one black and the other white, and the words: “Wewish Pa a Merry Christmas.” I tore up the card andthrew it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of goingout in Society and increasing the number of our friends was, thatwe should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this year.

December 21.—To save thepostman a miserable Christmas, we follow the example of allunselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of thecards had finger-marks, which I did not notice at night. Ishall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, eversince he has had the appointment with a stock and share broker,does not seem over-scrupulous in his dealings) told me never torub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards. Iasked him why. Lupin said: “Suppose your card ismarked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a3—and a long down-stroke after it—in frontofthe ninepence, and people will think you have given five timesthe price for it.”

In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded himthat behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said:“Ugh! it never shines on me.” I said:“Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about DaisyMutlar. Don’t think of her any more. You oughtto congratulate yourself on having got off a very badbargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simpletastes.” He jumped up and said: “I won’tallow one word to be uttered against her. She’s worththe whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated,sloping-head of a Perkupp included.” I left the roomwith silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.

December 23.—I exchanged nowords with Lupin in the morning; but as he seemed to be inexuberant spirits in the evening, I ventured to ask him where heintended to spend his Christmas. He replied: “Oh,most likely at the Mutlars’.”

In wonderment, I said: “What! after your engagement hasbeen broken off?”

Lupin said: “Who said it is off?”

I said: “You have given us both tounderstand—”

He interrupted me by saying: “Well, never mind what Isaid. It is on again—there!”

CHAPTER XIII

I receive an insulting Christmas card.We spend a pleasant Christmas at Carrie’smother’s. A Mr. Moss is rather too free. Aboisterous evening, during which I am struck in the dark. Ireceive an extraordinary letter from Mr. Mutlar, senior,respecting Lupin. We miss drinking out the Old Year.

December 24.—I am a poor man,but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me theinsulting Christmas card I received this morning. I neverinsult people; why should they insult me? The worst part ofthe transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all myfriends. The handwriting on the envelope is evidentlydisguised, being written sloping the wrong way. I cannotthink either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing.Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although Idisapprove of his laughing and sympathising with theoffender. Mr. Franching would be above such an act; and Idon’t think any of the Mutlars would descend to such acourse. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at theoffice, did it? Or Mrs. Birrell, the charwoman, orBurwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for theformer.

Christmas Day.—We caught the10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a pleasant day atCarrie’s mother’s. The country was quite niceand pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined inthe middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over oldtimes. If everybody had a nice, uninterferingmother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness therewould be in the world. Being all in good spirits, Iproposed her health, and I made, I think, a very good speech.

I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: “On an occasionlike this—whether relatives, friends, oracquaintances,—we are all inspired with good feelingstowards each other. We are of one mind, and think only oflove and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absentfriends should kiss and make it up. Those who happily havenot fallen out, can kiss all the same.”

I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, andmust say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dearold Reverend John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a mostcheerful and amusing speech, and said he should act on mysuggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked round thetable and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Ofcourse one did not object to this; but I was more than staggeredwhen a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and whohad scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenlywith a sprig of misletoe, and exclaimed: “Hulloh! Idon’t see why I shouldn’t be on in thisscene.” Before one could realise what he was about todo, he kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies.

Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we alllaughed; but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt veryuneasy for a moment as to the result. I subsequentlyreferred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: “Oh,he’s not much more than a boy.” I said that hehad a very large moustache for a boy. Carrie replied:“I didn’t say he was not a nice boy.”

December 26.—I did not sleepvery well last night; I never do in a strange bed. I feel alittle indigestion, which one must expect at this time of theyear. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening.Lupin came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, andadded: “I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and onlyrequire a little more ‘oof’ to feel as fit as a£500 Stradivarius.” I have long since given uptrying to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him toexplain it.

December 27.—I told Lupin Iwas expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in to-morrow eveningfor a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would volunteer tostay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said:“Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy andFrank Mutlar to come.” I said I could not think ofdoing such a thing. Lupin said: “Then I will send awire, and put off Daisy.” I suggested that apost-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and wouldnot be so extravagant.

Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation withapparent annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin.She said: “Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting yourfather’s friends? Is it because they are not goodenough for her, or (which is equally possible) sheis notgood enough for them?” Lupin was dumbfounded, andcould make no reply. When he left the room, I gave Carrie akiss of approval.

December 28—Lupin, on comingdown to breakfast, said to his mother: “I have not put offDaisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and Cummingsthis evening.” I felt very pleased with the boy forthis. Carrie said, in reply: “I am glad you let meknow in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress itwith a little parsley, and no one will know it has beencut.” She further said she would make a few custards,and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by theevening.

Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if hereally had any personal objection to either Gowing orCummings. He replied: “Not in the least. Ithink Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to hispatronising ‘the three-and-six-one-price hatcompany,’ and wearing a reach-me-down frock-coat. Asfor that perpetual brown velveteen jacket ofGowing’s—why, he resembles an itinerantphotographer.”

I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereuponLupin, with a laugh, replied: “No, and it wasn’t muchof a gentleman who made their coats.”

We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself veryagreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening, whenshe sang. At supper, however, she said: “Can you maketee-to-tums with bread?” and she commenced rolling uppieces of bread, and twisting them round on the table. Ifelt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing.Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwingbread-pills at each other. Frank followed suit, and so didCummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They thencommenced throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me onthe forehead, and making me blink. I said: “Steady,please; steady!” Frank jumped up and said:“Tum, tum; then the band played.”

I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, andcontinued the bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all theparsley off the cold mutton, and threw it full in my face.I looked daggers at Gowing, who replied: “I say, it’sno good trying to look indignant, with your hair full ofparsley.” I rose from the table, and insisted that astop should be put to this foolery at once. Frank Mutlarshouted: “Time, gentlemen, please! time!” and turnedout the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.

I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly receiveda hard intentional punch at the back of my head. I saidloudly: “Who did that?” There was no answer; soI repeated the question, with the same result. I struck amatch, and lighted the gas. They were all talking andlaughing, so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, Isaid to Carrie; “The person who sent me that insultingpost-card at Christmas was here to-night.”

December 29.—I had a mostvivid dream last night. I woke up, and on falling asleep,dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt Iheard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sentme the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the onewho punched my head last night in the dark. As fate wouldhave it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letterhe had just received from Frank.

I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare thewriting. He did so, and I examined it by the side of theenvelope containing the Christmas card. I detected asimilarity in the writing, in spite of the attempteddisguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began tolaugh. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she saidthe card was never directed to me at all. It was “L.Pooter,” not “C. Pooter.” Lupin asked tolook at the direction and the card, and exclaimed, with a laugh:“Oh yes, Guv., it’s meant for me.”

I said: “Are you in the habit of receiving insultingChristmas cards?” He replied: “Oh yes, and ofsendingthem, too.”

In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself verymuch last night. I took the opportunity to confide in him,as an old friend, about the vicious punch last night. Heburst out laughing, and said: “Oh, it was your head,was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I thoughtit was a brick wall.” I told him I felt hurt, in bothsenses of the expression.

December 30, Sunday.—Lupinspent the whole day with the Mutlars. He seemed rathercheerful in the evening, so I said: “I’m glad to seeyou so happy, Lupin.” He answered: “Well, Daisyis a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of afather down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars,his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turningdown the gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing toone on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of thelast cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on eachside of the fireplace, and his general‘outside-halfpenny-‘bus-ness,’ I was compelledto let him have a bit of my mind.” I said:“Lupin, you are not much more than a boy; I hope youwon’t repent it.”

December 31.—The last day ofthe Old Year. I received an extraordinary letter from Mr.Mutlar, senior. He writes: “Dear Sir,—For along time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding theimportant question, ‘Who is the master of my ownhouse? Myself, or your sonLupin?’Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I havebeen most reluctantly compelled to give judgment to the effectthat I am the master of it. Under the circumstances, it hasbecome my duty to forbid your son to enter my house again.I am sorry, because it deprives me of the society of one of themost modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly persons I have ever hadthe honour of being acquainted with.”

I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so Isaid nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.

A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, butpromised to be back to drink out the Old Year—a custom wehave always observed. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had notreturned, and the fog was fearful. As time was drawingclose, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I deciding onwhisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt likebrandy. As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothingto discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not comein, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a smallwager with her to decide by the smell. I said I coulddecide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessaryargument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it wasa quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our marriedlife, we missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got homeat a quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog—so hesaid.

CHAPTER XIV

Begin the year with an unexpected promotion atthe office. I make two good jokes. I get an enormousrise in my salary. Lupin speculates successfully and startsa pony-trap. Have to speak to Sarah. Extraordinaryconduct of Gowing’s.

January 1.—I had intendedconcluding my diary last week; but a most important event hashappened, so I shall continue for a little while longer on thefly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’sdiary. It had just struck half-past one, and I was on thepoint of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received amessage that Mr. Perkupp desired to see me at once. I mustconfess that my heart commenced to beat and I had most seriousmisgivings.

Mr. Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: “Takea seat, Mr. Pooter, I shall not be a moment.”

I replied: “No, thank you, sir; I’llstand.”

I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waitingquite twenty minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr. Perkupp atlast got up himself.

I said: “I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?”

He replied: “Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, Ihope.” What a weight off my mind! My breathseemed to come back again in an instant.

Mr. Perkupp said: “Mr. Buckling is going to retire, andthere will be some slight changes in the office. You havebeen with us nearly twenty-one years, and, in consequence of yourconduct during that period, we intend making a special promotionin your favour. We have not quite decided how you will beplaced; but in any case there will be a considerable increase inyour salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for me to say, youfully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but you shallhear more to-morrow.”

He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed timeor thought to express a single word of grateful thanks tohim. I need not say how dear Carrie received this joyfulnews. With perfect simplicity she said: “At last weshall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back drawing-room,which we always wanted.” I added: “Yes, and atlast you shall have that little costume which you saw at PeterRobinson’s so cheap.”

January 2.—I was in a greatstate of suspense all day at the office. I did not like toworry Mr. Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and mentionedyesterday that he would see me again to-day, I thought it better,perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and onentering, Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh! it’s you, Mr.Pooter; do you want to see me?” I said: “No,sir, I thought you wanted to see me!”“Oh!” he replied, “I remember. Well, I amvery busy to-day; I will see you to-morrow.”

January 3.—Still in a stateof anxiety and excitement, which was not alleviated byascertaining that Mr. Perkupp sent word he should not be at theoffice to-day. In the evening, Lupin, who was busilyengaged with a paper, said suddenly to me: “Do you knowanything about chalk pits, Guv.?” I said:“No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.”Lupin said: “Well, I give you the tip; chalk pitsare as safe as Consols, and pay six per cent. atpar.” I said a rather neat thing, viz.: “Theymay be six per cent. at par, but your pahas nomoney to invest.” Carrie and I both roared withlaughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of thejoke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued:“I give you the tip, that’s all—chalkpits!” I said another funny thing: “Mindyou don’t fall into them!” Lupin put on asupercilious smile, and said: “Bravo! JoeMiller.”

January 4.—Mr. Perkupp sentfor me and told me that my position would be that of one of thesenior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr. Perkuppadded, he would let me know to-morrow what the salary wouldbe. This means another day’s anxiety; I don’tmind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded methat I had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter Ireceived from Mr. Mutlar, senr. I broached the subject toLupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupinwas riveted to the Financial News, as if he had been aborn capitalist, and I said: “Pardon me a moment, Lupin,how is it you have not been to the Mutlars’ any day thisweek?”

Lupin answered: “I told you! I cannot stand oldMutlar.”

I said: “Mr. Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainlythat he cannot stand you!”

Lupin said: “Well, I like his cheek in writing toyou. I’ll find out if his father is stillalive, and I will write hima note complaining ofhisson, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his sonis a blithering idiot!”

I said: “Lupin, please moderate your expressions in thepresence of your mother.”

Lupin said: “I’m very sorry, but there is no otherexpression one can apply to him. However, I’mdetermined not to enter his place again.”

I said: “You know, Lupin, he has forbidden you thehouse.”

Lupin replied: “Well, we won’t splitstraws—it’s all the same. Daisy is a trump, andwill wait for me ten years, if necessary.”

January 5.—I can scarcelywrite the news. Mr. Perkupp told me my salary would beraised £100! I stood gaping for a moment unable torealise it. I annually get £10 rise, and I thought itmight be £15 or even £20; but £100 surpassesall belief. Carrie and I both rejoiced over our goodfortune. Lupin came home in the evening in the utmost goodspirits. I sent Sarah quietly round to the grocer’sfor a bottle of champagne, the same as we had before,“Jackson Frères.” It was opened atsupper, and I said to Lupin: “This is to celebrate somegood news I have received to-day.” Lupin replied:“Hooray, Guv.! And I have some good news, also; adouble event, eh?” I said: “My boy, as a resultof twenty-one years’ industry and strict attention to theinterests of my superiors in office, I have been rewarded withpromotion and a rise in salary of £100.”

Lupin gave three cheers, and we rapped the table furiously,which brought in Sarah to see what the matter was. Lupinordered us to “fill up” again, and addressing usupstanding, said: “Having been in the firm of JobCleanands, stock and share-brokers, a few weeks, and not havingpaid particular attention to the interests of my superiors inoffice, my Guv’nor, as a reward to me, allotted me £5worth of shares in a really good thing. The result is,to-day I have made £200.” I said: “Lupin,you are joking.” “No, Guv., it’s the goodold truth; Job Cleanands put me on toChlorates.”

January 21.—I am very muchconcerned at Lupin having started a pony-trap. I said:“Lupin, are you justified in this outrageousextravagance?” Lupin replied: “Well, one mustget to the City somehow. I’ve only hired it, and cangive it up any time I like.” I repeated my question:“Are you justified in this extravagance?” Hereplied: “Look here, Guv., excuse me saying so, butyou’re a bit out of date. It does not pay nowadays,fiddling about over small things. I don’t meananything personal, Guv’nor. My boss says if I takehis tip, and stick to big things, I can make bigmoney!” I said I thought the very idea of speculationmost horrifying. Lupin said “It is not speculation,it’s a dead cert.” I advised him, at allevents, not to continue the pony and cart; but he replied:“I made £200 in one day; now suppose I only make£200 in a month, or put it at £100 a month, which isridiculously low—why, that is £1,250 a year.What’s a few pounds a week for a trap?”

I did not pursue the subject further, beyond saying that Ishould feel glad when the autumn came, and Lupin would be of ageand responsible for his own debts. He answered: “Mydear Guv., I promise you faithfully that I will never speculatewith what I have not got. I shall only go on JobCleanands’ tips, and as he is in the ‘know’ itis pretty safe sailing.” I felt somewhatrelieved. Gowing called in the evening and, to my surprise,informed me that, as he had made £10 by one ofLupin’s tips, he intended asking us and the Cummings roundnext Saturday. Carrie and I said we should bedelighted.

January 22.—I don’tgenerally lose my temper with servants; but I had to speak toSarah rather sharply about a careless habit she has recentlycontracted of shaking the table-cloth, after removing thebreakfast things, in a manner which causes all the crumbs to fallon the carpet, eventually to be trodden in. Sarah answeredvery rudely: “Oh, you are always complaining.”I replied: “Indeed, I am not. I spoke to you lastweek about walking all over the drawing-room carpet with a pieceof yellow soap on the heel of your boot.” She said:“And you’re always grumbling about yourbreakfast.” I said: “No, I am not; but I feelperfectly justified in complaining that I never can get ahard-boiled egg. The moment I crack the shell it spurts allover the plate, and I have spoken to you at least fifty timesabout it.” She began to cry and make a scene; butfortunately my ’bus came by, so I had a good excuse forleaving her. Gowing left a message in the evening, that wewere not to forget next Saturday. Carrie amusingly said:“As he has never asked any friends before, we are notlikely to forget it.”

January 23.—I asked Lupin totry and change the hard brushes, he recently made me a presentof, for some softer ones, as my hair-dresser tells me I ought notto brush my hair too much just now.

January 24.—The newchimney-glass came home for the back drawing-room. Carriearranged some fans very prettily on the top and on eachside. It is an immense improvement to the room.

January 25.—We had justfinished our tea, when who should come in but Cummings, who hasnot been here for over three weeks. I noticed that helooked anything but well, so I said: “Well, Cummings, howare you? You look a little blue.” He replied:“Yes! and I feel blue too.” I said: “Why,what’s the matter?” He said: “Oh,nothing, except that I have been on my back for a couple ofweeks, that’s all. At one time my doctor nearly gaveme up, yet not a soul has come near me. No one has eventaken the trouble to inquire whether I was alive ordead.”

I said: “This is the first I have heard of it. Ihave passed your house several nights, and presumed you hadcompany, as the rooms were so brilliantly lighted.”

Cummings replied: “No! The only company I have hadwas my wife, the doctor, and the landlady—the last-namedhaving turned out a perfect trump. I wonder you did not seeit in the paper. I know it was mentioned in the BicycleNews.”

I thought to cheer him up, and said: “Well, you are allright now?”

He replied: “That’s not the question. Thequestion is whether an illness does not enable you to discoverwho are your truefriends.”

I said such an observation was unworthy of him. To makematters worse, in came Gowing, who gave Cummings a violent slapon the back, and said: “Hulloh! Have you seen aghost? You look scared to death, like Irving inMacbeth.” I said: “Gently, Gowing, thepoor fellow has been very ill.” Gowing roared withlaughter and said: “Yes, and you look it, too.”Cummings quietly said: “Yes, and I feel it too—notthat I suppose you care.”

An awkward silence followed. Gowing said: “Nevermind, Cummings, you and the missis come round to my placeto-morrow, and it will cheer you up a bit; for we’ll open abottle of wine.”

January 26.—An extraordinarything happened. Carrie and I went round to Gowing’s,as arranged, at half-past seven. We knocked and rangseveral times without getting an answer. At last the latchwas drawn and the door opened a little way, the chain still beingup. A man in shirt-sleeves put his head through and said:“Who is it? What do you want?” I said:“Mr. Gowing, he is expecting us.” The man said(as well as I could hear, owing to the yapping of a little dog):“I don’t think he is. Mr. Gowing is not athome.” I said: “He will be indirectly.”

With that observation he slammed the door, leaving Carrie andme standing on the steps with a cutting wind blowing round thecorner.

Carrie advised me to knock again. I did so, and thendiscovered for the first time that the knocker had been newlypainted, and the paint had come off on my gloves—whichwere, in consequence, completely spoiled.

I knocked at the door with my stick two or three times.

The man opened the door, taking the chain off this time, andbegan abusing me. He said: “What do you mean byscratching the paint with your stick like that, spoiling thevarnish? You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

I said: “Pardon me, Mr. Gowing invited—”

He interrupted and said: “I don’t care for Mr.Gowing, or any of his friends. This is mydoor, notMr. Gowing’s. There are people here besides Mr.Gowing.”

The impertinence of this man was nothing. I scarcelynoticed it, it was so trivial in comparison with the scandalousconduct of Gowing.

At this moment Cummings and his wife arrived. Cummingswas very lame and leaning on a stick; but got up the steps andasked what the matter was.

The man said: “Mr. Gowing said nothing about expectinganyone. All he said was he had just received an invitationto Croydon, and he should not be back till Monday evening.He took his bag with him.”

With that he slammed the door again. I was too indignantwith Gowing’s conduct to say anything. Cummingslooked white with rage, and as he descended the steps struck hisstick violently on the ground and said:“Scoundrel!”

CHAPTER XV

Gowing explains his conduct. Lupin takesus for a drive, which we don’t enjoy. Lupinintroduces us to Mr. Murray Posh.

February 8.—It does seem hardI cannot get good sausages for breakfast. They are eitherfull of bread or spice, or are as red as beef. Stillanxious about the £20 I invested last week by Lupin’sadvice. However, Cummings has done the same.

February 9.—Exactly afortnight has passed, and I have neither seen nor heard fromGowing respecting his extraordinary conduct in asking us round tohis house, and then being out. In the evening Carrie wasengaged marking a half-dozen new collars I had purchased.I’ll back Carrie’s marking againstanybody’s. While I was drying them at the fire, andCarrie was rebuking me for scorching them, Cummings came in.

He seemed quite well again, and chaffed us about marking thecollars. I asked him if he had heard from Gowing, and hereplied that he had not. I said I should not have believedthat Gowing could have acted in such an ungentlemanlymanner. Cummings said: “You are mild in yourdescription of him; I think he has acted like a cad.”

The words were scarcely out of his mouth when the door opened,and Gowing, putting in his head, said: “May I comein?” I said: “Certainly.” Carriesaid very pointedly: “Well, you areastranger.” Gowing said: “Yes, I’ve beenon and off to Croydon during the last fortnight.” Icould see Cummings was boiling over, and eventually he tackledGowing very strongly respecting his conduct last Saturdayweek. Gowing appeared surprised, and said: “Why, Iposted a letter to you in the morning announcing that the partywas ‘off, very much off.’” I said:“I never got it.” Gowing, turning to Carrie,said: “I suppose letters sometimes miscarry,don’t they, Mrs.Carrie?” Cummingssharply said: “This is not a time for joking. I hadno notice of the party being put off.” Gowingreplied: “I told Pooter in my note to tell you, as I was ina hurry. However, I’ll inquire at the post-office,and we must meet again at my place.” I added that Ihoped he would be present at the next meeting. Carrieroared at this, and even Cummings could not help laughing.

February 10, Sunday.—Contraryto my wishes, Carrie allowed Lupin to persuade her to take herfor a drive in the afternoon in his trap. I quitedisapprove of driving on a Sunday, but I did not like to trustCarrie alone with Lupin, so I offered to go too. Lupinsaid: “Now, that is nice of you, Guv., but you won’tmind sitting on the back-seat of the cart?”

Lupin proceeded to put on a bright-blue coat that seemed milestoo large for him. Carrie said it wanted taking inconsiderably at the back. Lupin said: “Haven’tyou seen a box-coat before? You can’t drive inanything else.”

He may wear what he likes in the future, for I shall neverdrive with him again. His conduct was shocking. Whenwe passed Highgate Archway, he tried to pass everything andeverybody. He shouted to respectable people who werewalking quietly in the road to get out of the way; he flicked atthe horse of an old man who was riding, causing it to rear; and,as I had to ride backwards, I was compelled to face a gang ofroughs in a donkey-cart, whom Lupin had chaffed, and who turnedand followed us for nearly a mile, bellowing, indulging in coarsejokes and laughter, to say nothing of occasionally pelting uswith orange-peel.

Lupin’s excuse—that the Prince of Wales would haveto put up with the same sort of thing if he drove to theDerby—was of little consolation to either Carrie ormyself. Frank Mutlar called in the evening, and Lupin wentout with him.

February 11.—Feeling a littleconcerned about Lupin, I mustered up courage to speak to Mr.Perkupp about him. Mr. Perkupp has always been most kind tome, so I told him everything, including yesterday’sadventure. Mr. Perkupp kindly replied: “There is nonecessity for you to be anxious, Mr. Pooter. It would beimpossible for a son of such good parents to turn outerroneously. Remember he is young, and will soon getolder. I wish we could find room for him in thisfirm.” The advice of this good man takes loads off mymind. In the evening Lupin came in.

After our little supper, he said: “My dear parents, Ihave some news, which I fear will affect youconsiderably.” I felt a qualm come over me, and saidnothing. Lupin then said: “It may distressyou—in fact, I’m sure it will—but thisafternoon I have given up my pony and trap for ever.”It may seem absurd, but I was so pleased, I immediately opened abottle of port. Gowing dropped in just in time, bringingwith him a large sheet, with a print of a tailless donkey, whichhe fastened against the wall. He then produced severalseparate tails, and we spent the remainder of the evening tryingblindfolded to pin a tail on in the proper place. My sidespositively ached with laughter when I went to bed.

February 12.—In the evening Ispoke to Lupin about his engagement with Daisy Mutlar. Iasked if he had heard from her. He replied: “No; shepromised that old windbag of a father of hers that she would notcommunicate with me. I see Frank Mutlar, of course; infact, he said he might call again this evening.”Frank called, but said he could not stop, as he had a friendwaiting outside for him, named Murray Posh, adding he was quite aswell. Carrie asked Frank to bring him in.

He was brought in, Gowing entering at the same time. Mr.Murray Posh was a tall, fat young man, and was evidently of avery nervous disposition, as he subsequently confessed he wouldnever go in a hansom cab, nor would he enter a four-wheeler untilthe driver had first got on the box with his reins in hishands.

On being introduced, Gowing, with his usual want of tact,said: “Any relation to ‘Posh’s three-shillinghats’?” Mr. Posh replied: “Yes; butplease understand I don’t try on hats myself. I takeno activepart in the business.” I replied:“I wish I had a business like it.” Mr. Poshseemed pleased, and gave a long but most interesting history ofthe extraordinary difficulties in the manufacture of cheaphats.

Murray Posh evidently knew Daisy Mutlar very intimately fromthe way he was talking of her; and Frank said to Lupin once,laughingly: “If you don’t look out, Posh will cut youout!” When they had all gone, I referred to thisflippant conversation; and Lupin said, sarcastically: “Aman who is jealous has no respect for himself. A man whowould be jealous of an elephant like Murray Posh could only havea contempt for himself. I know Daisy. Shewouldwait ten years for me, as I said before; in fact, ifnecessary, she would wait twenty years for me.”

CHAPTER XVI

We lose money over Lupin’s advice as toinvestment, so does Cummings. Murray Posh engaged to DaisyMutlar.

February 18.—Carrie hasseveral times recently called attention to the thinness of myhair at the top of my head, and recommended me to get it seento. I was this morning trying to look at it by the aid of asmall hand-glass, when somehow my elbow caught against the edgeof the chest of drawers and knocked the glass out of my hand andsmashed it. Carrie was in an awful way about it, as she israther absurdly superstitious. To make matters worse, mylarge photograph in the drawing-room fell during the night, andthe glass cracked.

Carrie said: “Mark my words, Charles, some misfortune isabout to happen.”

I said: “Nonsense, dear.”

In the evening Lupin arrived home early, and seemed a littleagitated. I said: “What’s up, myboy?” He hesitated a good deal, and then said:“You know those Parachikka Chlorates I advised you toinvest £20 in?” I replied: “Yes, they areall right, I trust?” He replied: “Well,no! To the surprise of everybody, they have utterlycollapsed.”

My breath was so completely taken away, I could saynothing. Carrie looked at me, and said: “What did Itell you?” Lupin, after a while, said:“However, you are specially fortunate. I received anearly tip, and sold out yours immediately, and was fortunate toget £2 for them. So you get something afterall.”

I gave a sigh of relief. I said: “I was not sosanguine as to suppose, as you predicted, that I should get sixor eight times the amount of my investment; still a profit of£2 is a good percentage for such a short time.”Lupin said, quite irritably: “You don’tunderstand. I sold your £20 shares for £2; youtherefore lose £18 on the transaction, whereby Cummings andGowing will lose the whole of theirs.”

February 19.—Lupin, beforegoing to town, said: “I am very sorry about thoseParachikka Chlorates; it would not have happened if the boss, JobCleanands, had been in town. Between ourselves, you mustnot be surprised if something goes wrong at our office. JobCleanands has not been seen the last few days, and it strikes meseveral people dowant to see him veryparticularly.”

In the evening Lupin was just on the point of going out toavoid a collision with Gowing and Cummings, when the formerentered the room, without knocking, but with his usual trick ofsaying, “May I come in?”

He entered, and to the surprise of Lupin and myself, seemed tobe in the very best of spirits. Neither Lupin nor Ibroached the subject to him, but he did so of his ownaccord. He said: “I say, those Parachikka Chlorateshave gone an awful smash! You’re a nice one, MasterLupin. How much do you lose?” Lupin, to myutter astonishment, said: “Oh! I had nothing inthem. There was some informality in my application—Iforgot to enclose the cheque or something, and I didn’t getany. The Guv. loses £18.” I said:“I quite understood you were in it, or nothing would haveinduced me to speculate.” Lupin replied: “Well,it can’t be helped; you must go double on the nexttip.” Before I could reply, Gowing said: “Well,I lose nothing, fortunately. From what I heard, I did notquite believe in them, so I persuaded Cummings to take my£15 worth, as he had more faith in them than Ihad.”

Lupin burst out laughing, and, in the most unseemly manner,said: “Alas, poor Cummings. He’ll lose£35.” At that moment there was a ring at thebell. Lupin said: “I don’t want to meetCummings.” If he had gone out of the door he wouldhave met him in the passage, so as quickly as possible Lupinopened the parlour window and got out. Gowing jumped upsuddenly, exclaiming: “I don’t want to see himeither!” and, before I could say a word, he followed Lupinout of the window.

For my own part, I was horrified to think my own son and oneof my most intimate friends should depart from the house like acouple of interrupted burglars. Poor Cummings was veryupset, and of course was naturally very angry both with Lupin andGowing. I pressed him to have a little whisky, and hereplied that he had given up whisky; but would like a little“Unsweetened,” as he was advised it was the mosthealthy spirit. I had none in the house, but sent Sarahround to Lockwood’s for some.

February 20.—The first thingthat caught my eye on opening the Standardwas—“Great Failure of Stock and Share Dealers!Mr. Job Cleanands absconded!” I handed it to Carrie,and she replied: “Oh! perhaps it’s for Lupin’sgood. I never did think it a suitable situation forhim.” I thought the whole affair very shocking.

Lupin came down to breakfast, and seeing he looked painfullydistressed, I said: “We know the news, my dear boy, andfeel very sorry for you.” Lupin said: “How didyou know? who told you?” I handed him theStandard. He threw the paper down, and said:“Oh I don’t care a button for that! I expectedthat, but I did not expect this.” He then read aletter from Frank Mutlar, announcing, in a cool manner, thatDaisy Mutlar is to be married next month to Murray Posh. Iexclaimed, “Murray Posh! Is not that the very manFrank had the impudence to bring here last Tuesdayweek?” Lupin said: “Yes; the‘Posh’s-three-shilling-hats’chap.”

We all then ate our breakfast in dead silence.

In fact, I could eat nothing. I was not only tooworried, but I cannot and will not eat cushion of bacon. IfI cannot get streaky bacon, I will do without anything.

When Lupin rose to go I noticed a malicious smile creep overhis face. I asked him what it meant. He replied:“Oh! only a little consolation—still it is aconsolation. I have just remembered that, by myadvice, Mr. Murray Posh has invested £600 in ParachikkaChlorates!”

CHAPTER XVII

Marriage of Daisy Mutlar and MurrayPosh. The dream of my life realised. Mr. Perkupptakes Lupin into the office.

March 20.—To-day being theday on which Daisy Mutlar and Mr. Murray Posh are to be married,Lupin has gone with a friend to spend the day at Gravesend.Lupin has been much cut-up over the affair, although he declaresthat he is glad it is off. I wish he would not go to somany music-halls, but one dare not say anything to him aboutit. At the present moment he irritates me by singing allover the house some nonsense about “What’s the matterwith Gladstone? He’s all right! What’sthe matter with Lupin? He’s all right!”Idon’t think either of them is. In theevening Gowing called, and the chief topic of conversation wasDaisy’s marriage to Murray Posh. I said: “I wasglad the matter was at an end, as Daisy would only have made afool of Lupin.” Gowing, with his usual good taste,said: “Oh, Master Lupin can make a fool of himself withoutany assistance.” Carrie very properly resented this,and Gowing had sufficient sense to say he was sorry.

March 21.—To-day I shallconclude my diary, for it is one of the happiest days of mylife. My great dream of the last few weeks—in fact,of many years—has been realised. This morning came aletter from Mr. Perkupp, asking me to take Lupin down to theoffice with me. I went to Lupin’s room; poor fellow,he seemed very pale, and said he had a bad headache. He hadcome back yesterday from Gravesend, where he spent part of theday in a small boat on the water, having been mad enough toneglect to take his overcoat with him. I showed him Mr.Perkupp’s letter, and he got up as quickly aspossible. I begged of him not to put on his fast-colouredclothes and ties, but to dress in something black orquiet-looking.

Carrie was all of a tremble when she read the letter, and allshe could keep on saying was: “Oh, I dohope it willbe all right.” For myself, I could scarcely eat anybreakfast. Lupin came down dressed quietly, and looking aperfect gentleman, except that his face was rather yellow.Carrie, by way of encouragement said: “You do look nice,Lupin.” Lupin replied: “Yes, it’s a goodmake-up, isn’t it? Aregular-downright-respectable-funereal-first-class-City-firm-junior-clerk.”He laughed rather ironically.

In the hall I heard a great noise, and also Lupin shouting toSarah to fetch down his old hat. I went into the passage,and found Lupin in a fury, kicking and smashing a new tallhat. I said: “Lupin, my boy, what are youdoing? How wicked of you! Some poor fellow would beglad to have it.” Lupin replied: “I would notinsult any poor fellow by giving it to him.”

When he had gone outside, I picked up the battered hat, andsaw inside “Posh’s Patent.” PoorLupin! I can forgive him. It seemed hours before wereached the office. Mr. Perkupp sent for Lupin, who waswith him nearly an hour. He returned, as I thought,crestfallen in appearance. I said: “Well, Lupin, howabout Mr. Perkupp?” Lupin commenced his song:“What’s the matter with Perkupp? He’s allright!” I felt instinctively my boy wasengaged. I went to Mr. Perkupp, but I could notspeak. He said: “Well, Mr. Pooter, what isit?” I must have looked a fool, for all I could saywas: “Mr. Perkupp, you are a good man.” Helooked at me for a moment, and said: “No, Mr. Pooter,youare the good man; and we’ll see if we cannot getyour son to follow such an excellent example.” Isaid: “Mr. Perkupp, may I go home? I cannot work anymore to-day.”

My good master shook my hand warmly as he nodded hishead. It was as much as I could do to prevent myself fromcrying in the ’bus; in fact, I should have done so, had mythoughts not been interrupted by Lupin, who was having a quarrelwith a fat man in the ’bus, whom he accused of taking uptoo much room.

In the evening Carrie sent round for dear old friend Cummingsand his wife, and also to Gowing. We all sat round thefire, and in a bottle of “Jackson Frères,”which Sarah fetched from the grocer’s, drank Lupin’shealth. I lay awake for hours, thinking of thefuture. My boy in the same office as myself—we can godown together by the ’bus, come home together, and whoknows but in the course of time he may take great interest in ourlittle home. That he may help me to put a nail in here or anail in there, or help his dear mother to hang a picture.In the summer he may help us in our little garden with theflowers, and assist us to paint the stands and pots.(By-the-by, I must get in some more enamel paint.) All thisI thought over and over again, and a thousand happy thoughtsbeside. I heard the clock strike four, and soon after fellasleep, only to dream of three happy people—Lupin, dearCarrie, and myself.

CHAPTER XVIII

Trouble with a stylographic pen. We goto a Volunteer Ball, where I am let in for an expensivesupper. Grossly insulted by a cabman. An oddinvitation to Southend.

April 8.—No events of anyimportance, except that Gowing strongly recommended a new patentstylographic pen, which cost me nine-and-sixpence, and which wassimply nine-and-sixpence thrown in the mud. It has causedme constant annoyance and irritability of temper. The inkoozes out of the top, making a mess on my hands, and once at theoffice when I was knocking the palm of my hand on the desk tojerk the ink down, Mr. Perkupp, who had just entered, called out:“Stop that knocking! I suppose that is you, Mr.Pitt?” That young monkey, Pitt, took a malicious gleein responding quite loudly: “No, sir; I beg pardon, it isMr. Pooter with his pen; it has been going on all themorning.” To make matters worse, I saw Lupin laughingbehind his desk. I thought it wiser to say nothing. Itook the pen back to the shop and asked them if they would takeit back, as it did not act. I did not expect the full pricereturned, but was willing to take half. The man said hecould not do that—buying and selling were two differentthings. Lupin’s conduct during the period he has beenin Mr. Perkupp’s office has been most exemplary. Myonly fear is, it is too good to last.

April 9.—Gowing called,bringing with him an invitation for Carrie and myself to a ballgiven by the East Acton Rifle Brigade, which he thought would bea swell affair, as the member for East Acton (Sir William Grime)had promised his patronage. We accepted of his kindness,and he stayed to supper, an occasion I thought suitable fortrying a bottle of the sparkling Algéra that Mr. James (ofSutton) had sent as a present. Gowing sipped the wine,observing that he had never tasted it before, and furtherremarked that his policy was to stick to more recognisedbrands. I told him it was a present from a dear friend, andone mustn’t look a gift-horse in the mouth. Gowingfacetiously replied: “And he didn’t like putting itin the mouth either.”

I thought the remarks were rude without being funny, but ontasting it myself, came to the conclusion there was somejustification for them. The sparkling Algéra is verylike cider, only more sour. I suggested that perhaps thethunder had turned it a bit acid. He merely replied:“Oh! I don’t think so.” We had a verypleasant game of cards, though I lost four shillings and Carrielost one, and Gowing said he had lost about sixpence: how hecould have lost, considering that Carrie and I were the onlyother players, remains a mystery.

April 14, Sunday.—Owing, Ipresume, to the unsettled weather, I awoke with a feeling that myskin was drawn over my face as tight as a drum. Walkinground the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Treane, members of ourcongregation who had walked back with us, I was much annoyed tofind a large newspaper full of bones on the gravel-path,evidently thrown over by those young Griffin boys next door; who,whenever we have friends, climb up the empty steps inside theirconservatory, tap at the windows, making faces, whistling, andimitating birds.

April 15.—Burnt my tonguemost awfully with the Worcester sauce, through that stupid girlSarah shaking the bottle violently before putting it on thetable.

April 16.—The night of theEast Acton Volunteer Ball. On my advice, Carrie put on thesame dress that she looked so beautiful in at the Mansion House,for it had occurred to me, being a military ball, that Mr.Perkupp, who, I believe, is an officer in the Honorary ArtilleryCompany, would in all probability be present. Lupin, in hisusual incomprehensible language, remarked that he had heard itwas a “bounders’ ball.” I didn’task him what he meant though I didn’t understand.Where he gets these expressions from I don’t know; hecertainly doesn’t learn them at home.

The invitation was for half-past eight, so I concluded if wearrived an hour later we should be in good time, without being“unfashionable,” as Mrs. James says. It wasvery difficult to find—the cabman having to get downseveral times to inquire at different public-houses where theDrill Hall was. I wonder at people living in suchout-of-the-way places. No one seemed to know it.However, after going up and down a good many badly-lightedstreets we arrived at our destination. I had no idea it wasso far from Holloway. I gave the cabman five shillings, whoonly grumbled, saying it was dirt cheap at half-a-sovereign, andwas impertinent enough to advise me the next time I went to aball to take a ’bus.

Captain Welcut received us, saying we were rather late, butthat it was better late than never. He seemed a verygood-looking gentleman though, as Carrie remarked, “rathershort for an officer.” He begged to be excused forleaving us, as he was engaged for a dance, and hoped we shouldmake ourselves at home. Carrie took my arm and we walkedround the rooms two or three times and watched the peopledancing. I couldn’t find a single person I knew, butattributed it to most of them being in uniform. As we wereentering the supper-room I received a slap on the shoulder,followed by a welcome shake of the hand. I said: “Mr.Padge, I believe;” he replied, “That’sright.”

I gave Carrie a chair, and seated by her was a lady who madeherself at home with Carrie at once.

There was a very liberal repast on the tables, plenty ofchampagne, claret, etc., and, in fact, everything seemed to bedone regardless of expense. Mr. Padge is a man that, Iadmit, I have no particular liking for, but I felt so glad tocome across someone I knew, that I asked him to sit at our table,and I must say that for a short fat man he looked well inuniform, although I think his tunic was rather baggy in theback. It was the only supper-room that I have been in thatwas not over-crowded; in fact we were the only people there,everybody being so busy dancing.

I assisted Carrie and her newly-formed acquaintance, who saidher name was Lupkin, to some champagne; also myself, and handedthe bottle to Mr. Padge to do likewise, saying: “You mustlook after yourself.” He replied: “That’sright,” and poured out half a tumbler and drankCarrie’s health, coupled, as he said, “with herworthy lord and master.” We all had some splendidpigeon pie, and ices to follow.

The waiters were very attentive, and asked if we would likesome more wine. I assisted Carrie and her friend and Mr.Padge, also some people who had just come from the dancing-room,who were very civil. It occurred to me at the time thatperhaps some of the gentlemen knew me in the City, as they wereso polite. I made myself useful, and assisted severalladies to ices, remembering an old saying that “There isnothing lost by civility.”

The band struck up for the dance, and they all went into theball-room. The ladies (Carrie and Mrs. Lupkin) were anxiousto see the dancing, and as I had not quite finished my supper,Mr. Padge offered his arms to them and escorted them to theball-room, telling me to follow. I said to Mr. Padge:“It is quite a West End affair,” to which remark Mr.Padge replied: “That’s right.”

When I had quite finished my supper, and was leaving, thewaiter who had been attending on us arrested my attention bytapping me on the shoulder. I thought it unusual for awaiter at a private ball to expect a tip, but nevertheless gave ashilling, as he had been very attentive. He smilinglyreplied: “I beg your pardon, sir, this is no good,”alluding to the shilling. “Your party’s hadfour suppers at 5s. a head, five ices at 1s., three bottles ofchampagne at 11s. 6d., a glass of claret, and a sixpenny cigarfor the stout gentleman—in all £3 0s. 6d.!”

I don’t think I was ever so surprised in my life, andhad only sufficient breath to inform him that I had received aprivate invitation, to which he answered that he was perfectlywell aware of that; but that the invitation didn’t includeeatables and drinkables. A gentleman who was standing atthe bar corroborated the waiter’s statement, and assured meit was quite correct.

The waiter said he was extremely sorry if I had been under anymisapprehension; but it was not his fault. Of course therewas nothing to be done but to pay. So, after turning out mypockets, I just managed to scrape up sufficient, all but nineshillings; but the manager, on my giving my card to him, said:“That’s all right.”

I don’t think I ever felt more humiliated in my life,and I determined to keep this misfortune from Carrie, for itwould entirely destroy the pleasant evening she wasenjoying. I felt there was no more enjoyment for me thatevening, and it being late, I sought Carrie and Mrs.Lupkin. Carrie said she was quite ready to go, and Mrs.Lupkin, as we were wishing her “Good-night,” askedCarrie and myself if we ever paid a visit to Southend? Onmy replying that I hadn’t been there for many years, shevery kindly said: “Well, why don’t you come down andstay at our place?” As her invitation was sopressing, and observing that Carrie wished to go, we promised wewould visit her the next Saturday week, and stay tillMonday. Mrs. Lupkin said she would write to us to-morrow,giving us the address and particulars of trains, etc.

When we got outside the Drill Hall it was raining so hard thatthe roads resembled canals, and I need hardly say we had greatdifficulty in getting a cabman to take us to Holloway.After waiting a bit, a man said he would drive us, anyhow, as faras “The Angel,” at Islington, and we could easily getanother cab from there. It was a tedious journey; the rainwas beating against the windows and trickling down the inside ofthe cab.

When we arrived at “The Angel” the horse seemedtired out. Carrie got out and ran into a doorway, and whenI came to pay, to my absolute horror I remembered I had no money,nor had Carrie. I explained to the cabman how we weresituated. Never in my life have I ever been so insulted;the cabman, who was a rough bully and to my thinking not sober,called me every name he could lay his tongue to, and positivelyseized me by the beard, which he pulled till the tears came intomy eyes. I took the number of a policeman (who witnessedthe assault) for not taking the man in charge. Thepoliceman said he couldn’t interfere, that he had seen noassault, and that people should not ride in cabs withoutmoney.

We had to walk home in the pouring rain, nearly two miles, andwhen I got in I put down the conversation I had with the cabman,word for word, as I intend writing to the Telegraphforthe purpose of proposing that cabs should be driven only by menunder Government control, to prevent civilians being subjected tothe disgraceful insult and outrage that I had had to endure.

April 17.—No water in ourcistern again. Sent for Putley, who said he would soonremedy that, the cistern being zinc.

April 18.—Water all rightagain in the cistern. Mrs. James, of Sutton, called in theafternoon. She and Carrie draped the mantelpiece in thedrawing-room, and put little toy spiders, frogs and beetles allover it, as Mrs. James says it’s quite the fashion.It was Mrs. James’ suggestion, and of course Carrie alwaysdoes what Mrs. James suggests. For my part, I preferred themantelpiece as it was; but there, I’m a plain man, anddon’t pretend to be in the fashion.

April 19.—Our next-doorneighbour, Mr. Griffin, called, and in a rather offensive toneaccused me, or “someone,” of boring a hole in hiscistern and letting out his water to supply our cistern, whichadjoined his. He said he should have his repaired, and sendus in the bill.

April 20.—Cummings called,hobbling in with a stick, saying he had been on his back for aweek. It appears he was trying to shut his bedroom door,which is situated just at the top of the staircase, and unknownto him a piece of cork the dog had been playing with had gotbetween the door, and prevented it shutting; and in pulling thedoor hard, to give it an extra slam, the handle came off in hishands, and he fell backwards downstairs.

On hearing this, Lupin suddenly jumped up from the couch andrushed out of the room sideways. Cummings looked veryindignant, and remarked it was very poor fun a man nearlybreaking his back; and though I had my suspicions that Lupin waslaughing, I assured Cummings that he had only run out to open thedoor to a friend he expected. Cummings said this was thesecond time he had been laid up, and we had never sent toinquire. I said I knew nothing about it. Cummingssaid: “It was mentioned in the BicycleNews.”

April 22.—I have of latefrequently noticed Carrie rubbing her nails a good deal with aninstrument, and on asking her what she was doing, she replied:“Oh, I’m going in for manicuring. It’sall the fashion now.” I said: “I suppose Mrs.James introduced that into your head.” Carrielaughingly replied: “Yes; but everyone does itnow.”

I wish Mrs. James wouldn’t come to the house.Whenever she does she always introduces some new-fandangledrubbish into Carrie’s head. One of these days I feelsure I shall tell her she’s not welcome. I am sure itwas Mrs. James who put Carrie up to writing on darkslate-coloured paper with white ink. Nonsense!

April 23.—Received a letterfrom Mrs. Lupkin, of Southend, telling us the train to come by onSaturday, and hoping we will keep our promise to stay withher. The letter concluded: “You must come and stay atour house; we shall charge you half what you will have to pay atthe Royal, and the view is every bit as good.”Looking at the address at the top of the note-paper, I found itwas “Lupkin’s Family and Commercial Hotel.”

I wrote a note, saying we were compelled to “decline herkind invitation.” Carrie thought this very satirical,and to the point.

By-the-by, I will never choose another cloth pattern atnight. I ordered a new suit of dittos for the garden atEdwards’, and chose the pattern by gaslight, and theyseemed to be a quiet pepper-and-salt mixture with white stripesdown. They came home this morning, and, to my horror, Ifound it was quite a flash-looking suit. There was a lot ofgreen with bright yellow-coloured stripes.

I tried on the coat, and was annoyed to find Carriegiggling. She said: “What mixture did you say youasked for?”

I said: “A quiet pepper and salt.”

Carrie said: “Well, it looks more like mustard, if youwant to know the truth.”

CHAPTER XIX

Meet Teddy Finsworth, an oldschoolfellow. We have a pleasant and quiet dinner at hisuncle’s, marred only by a few awkward mistakes on my partrespecting Mr. Finsworth’s pictures. A discussion ondreams.

April 27.—Kept a little laterthan usual at the office, and as I was hurrying along a manstopped me, saying: “Hulloh! That’s a face Iknow.” I replied politely: “Very likely; lotsof people know me, although I may not know them.” Hereplied: “But you know me—TeddyFinsworth.” So it was. He was at the sameschool with me. I had not seen him for years andyears. No wonder I did not know him! At school he wasat least a head taller than I was; now I am at least a headtaller than he is, and he has a thick beard, almost grey.He insisted on my having a glass of wine (a thing I never do),and told me he lived at Middlesboro’, where he was DeputyTown Clerk, a position which was as high as the Town Clerk ofLondon—in fact, higher. He added that he was stayingfor a few days in London, with his uncle, Mr. Edgar PaulFinsworth (of Finsworth and Pultwell). He said he was surehis uncle would be only too pleased to see me, and he had a nicehouse, Watney Lodge, only a few minutes’ walk from MuswellHill Station. I gave him our address, and we parted.

In the evening, to my surprise, he called with a very niceletter from Mr. Finsworth, saying if we (including Carrie) woulddine with them to-morrow (Sunday), at two o’clock, he wouldbe delighted. Carrie did not like to go; but TeddyFinsworth pressed us so much we consented. Carrie sentSarah round to the butcher’s and countermanded our half-legof mutton, which we had ordered for to-morrow.

April 28, Sunday.—We foundWatney Lodge farther off than we anticipated, and only arrived asthe clock struck two, both feeling hot and uncomfortable.To make matters worse, a large collie dog pounced forward toreceive us. He barked loudly and jumped up at Carrie,covering her light skirt, which she was wearing for the firsttime, with mud. Teddy Finsworth came out and drove the dogoff and apologised. We were shown into the drawing-room,which was beautifully decorated. It was full ofknick-knacks, and some plates hung up on the wall. Therewere several little wooden milk-stools with paintings on them;also a white wooden banjo, painted by one of Mr. PaulFinsworth’s nieces—a cousin of Teddy’s.

Mr. Paul Finsworth seemed quite a distinguished-lookingelderly gentleman, and was most gallant to Carrie. Therewere a great many water-colours hanging on the walls, mostlydifferent views of India, which were very bright. Mr.Finsworth said they were painted by “Simpz,” andadded that he was no judge of pictures himself but had beeninformed on good authority that they were worth some hundreds ofpounds, although he had only paid a few shillings apiece forthem, frames included, at a sale in the neighbourhood.

There was also a large picture in a very handsome frame, donein coloured crayons. It looked like a religioussubject. I was very much struck with the lace collar, itlooked so real, but I unfortunately made the remark that therewas something about the expression of the face that was not quitepleasing. It looked pinched. Mr. Finsworthsorrowfully replied: “Yes, the face was done afterdeath—my wife’s sister.”

I felt terribly awkward and bowed apologetically, and in awhisper said I hoped I had not hurt his feelings. We bothstood looking at the picture for a few minutes in silence, whenMr. Finsworth took out a handkerchief and said: “She wassitting in our garden last summer,” and blew his noseviolently. He seemed quite affected, so I turned to look atsomething else and stood in front of a portrait of ajolly-looking middle-aged gentleman, with a red face and strawhat. I said to Mr. Finsworth: “Who is thisjovial-looking gentleman? Life doesn’t seem totrouble him much.” Mr. Finsworth said: “No, itdoesn’t. He is dead too—mybrother.”

I was absolutely horrified at my own awkwardness.Fortunately at this moment Carrie entered with Mrs. Finsworth,who had taken her upstairs to take off her bonnet and brush herskirt. Teddy said: “Short is late,” but at thatmoment the gentleman referred to arrived, and I was introduced tohim by Teddy, who said: “Do you know Mr.Short?” I replied, smiling, that I had not thatpleasure, but I hoped it would not be long before I knew Mr.Short. He evidently did not see my little joke,although I repeated it twice with a little laugh. Isuddenly remembered it was Sunday, and Mr. Short was perhapsvery particular. In this I was mistaken, for he wasnot at all particular in several of his remarks afterdinner. In fact I was so ashamed of one of his observationsthat I took the opportunity to say to Mrs. Finsworth that Ifeared she found Mr. Short occasionally a littleembarrassing. To my surprise she said: “Oh! he isprivileged you know.” I did not know as a matter offact, and so I bowed apologetically. I fail to see why Mr.Short should be privileged.

Another thing that annoyed me at dinner was that the colliedog, which jumped up at Carrie, was allowed to remain under thedining-room table. It kept growling and snapping at myboots every time I moved my foot. Feeling nervous rather, Ispoke to Mrs. Finsworth about the animal, and she remarked:“It is only his play.” She jumped up and let ina frightfully ugly-looking spaniel called Bibbs, which had beenscratching at the door. This dog also seemed to take afancy to my boots, and I discovered afterwards that it had lickedoff every bit of blacking from them. I was positivelyashamed of being seen in them. Mrs. Finsworth, who, I mustsay, is not much of a Job’s comforter, said: “Oh! weare used to Bibbs doing that to our visitors.”

Mr. Finsworth had up some fine port, although I questionwhether it is a good thing to take on the top of beer. Itmade me feel a little sleepy, while it had the effect of inducingMr. Short to become “privileged” to rather analarming extent. It being cold even for April, there was afire in the drawing-room; we sat round in easy-chairs, and Teddyand I waxed rather eloquent over the old school days, which hadthe effect of sending all the others to sleep. I wasdelighted, as far as Mr. Short was concerned, that it did havethat effect on him.

We stayed till four, and the walk home was remarkable only forthe fact that several fools giggled at the unpolished state of myboots. Polished them myself when I got home. Went tochurch in the evening, and could scarcely keep awake. Iwill not take port on the top of beer again.

April 29.—I am getting quiteaccustomed to being snubbed by Lupin, and I do not mind being satupon by Carrie, because I think she has a certain amount of rightto do so; but I do think it hard to be at once snubbed by wife,son, and both my guests.

Gowing and Cummings had dropped in during the evening, and Isuddenly remembered an extraordinary dream I had a few nightsago, and I thought I would tell them about it. I dreamt Isaw some huge blocks of ice in a shop with a bright glare behindthem. I walked into the shop and the heat wasoverpowering. I found that the blocks of ice were onfire. The whole thing was so real and yet so supernatural Iwoke up in a cold perspiration. Lupin in a mostcontemptuous manner, said: “What utter rot.”

Before I could reply, Gowing said there was nothing socompletely uninteresting as other people’s dreams.

I appealed to Cummings, but he said he was bound to agree withthe others and my dream was especially nonsensical. I said:“It seemed so real to me.” Gowing replied:“Yes, to youperhaps, but not tous.” Whereupon they all roared.

Carrie, who had hitherto been quiet, said: “He tells mehis stupid dreams every morning nearly.” I replied:“Very well, dear, I promise you I will never tell you oranybody else another dream of mine the longest day Ilive.” Lupin said: “Hear! hear!” andhelped himself to another glass of beer. The subject wasfortunately changed, and Cummings read a most interesting articleon the superiority of the bicycle to the horse.

CHAPTER XX

Dinner at Franching’s to meet Mr.Hardfur Huttle.

May 10.—Received a letterfrom Mr. Franching, of Peckham, asking us to dine with himto-night, at seven o’clock, to meet Mr. Hardfur Huttle, avery clever writer for the American papers. Franchingapologised for the short notice; but said he had at the lastmoment been disappointed of two of his guests and regarded us asold friends who would not mind filling up the gap. Carrierather demurred at the invitation; but I explained to her thatFranching was very well off and influential, and we could notafford to offend him. “And we are sure to get a gooddinner and a good glass of champagne.” “Whichnever agrees with you!” Carrie replied, sharply. Iregarded Carrie’s observation as unsaid. Mr.Franching asked us to wire a reply. As he had said nothingabout dress in the letter, I wired back: “Withpleasure. Is it full dress?” and by leaving out ourname, just got the message within the sixpence.

Got back early to give time to dress, which we received atelegram instructing us to do. I wanted Carrie to meet meat Franching’s house; but she would not do so, so I had togo home to fetch her. What a long journey it is fromHolloway to Peckham! Why do people live such a long wayoff? Having to change ’buses, I allowed plenty oftime—in fact, too much; for we arrived at twenty minutes toseven, and Franching, so the servant said, had only just gone upto dress. However, he was down as the clock struck seven;he must have dressed very quickly.

I must say it was quite a distinguished party, and although wedid not know anybody personally, they all seemed to be quiteswells. Franching had got a professional waiter, andevidently spared no expense. There were flowers on thetable round some fairy-lamps and the effect, I must say, wasexquisite. The wine was good and there was plenty ofchampagne, concerning which Franching said he himself, neverwished to taste better. We were ten in number, and amenûcard to each. One lady said she alwayspreserved the menûand got the guests to write theirnames on the back.

We all of us followed her example, except Mr. Huttle, who wasof course the important guest.

The dinner-party consisted of Mr. Franching, Mr. HardfurHuttle, Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Hillbutter, Mrs. Field, Mr. and Mrs.Purdick, Mr. Pratt, Mr. R. Kent, and, last but not least, Mr. andMrs. Charles Pooter. Franching said he was sorry he had nolady for me to take in to dinner. I replied that Ipreferred it, which I afterwards thought was a veryuncomplimentary observation to make.

I sat next to Mrs. Field at dinner. She seemed awell-informed lady, but was very deaf. It did not muchmatter, for Mr. Hardfur Huttle did all the talking. He is amarvellously intellectual man and says things which from otherpeople would seem quite alarming. How I wish I couldremember even a quarter of his brilliant conversation. Imade a few little reminding notes on the menûcard.

One observation struck me as being absolutelypowerful—though not to my way of thinking of course.Mrs. Purdick happened to say “You are certainly unorthodox,Mr. Huttle.” Mr. Huttle, with a peculiar expression(I can see it now) said in a slow rich voice: “Mrs.Purdick, ‘orthodox’ is a grandiloquent word implyingsticking-in-the-mud. If Columbus and Stephenson had beenorthodox, there would neither have been the discovery of Americanor the steam-engine.” There was quite asilence. It appeared to me that such teaching wasabsolutely dangerous, and yet I felt—in fact we must allhave felt—there was no answer to the argument. Alittle later on, Mrs. Purdick, who is Franching’s sisterand also acted as hostess, rose from the table, and Mr. Huttlesaid: “Why, ladies, do you deprive us of your company sosoon? Why not wait while we have our cigars?”

The effect was electrical. The ladies (including Carrie)were in no way inclined to be deprived of Mr. Huttle’sfascinating society, and immediately resumed their seats, amidmuch laughter and a little chaff. Mr. Huttle said:“Well, that’s a real good sign; you shall not beinsulted by being called orthodox any longer.” Mrs.Purdick, who seemed to be a bright and rather sharp woman, said:“Mr. Huttle, we will meet you half-way—that is, tillyou get half-way through your cigar. That, at all events,will be the happy medium.”

I shall never forget the effect the words, “happymedium,” had upon him. He was brilliant and mostdaring in his interpretation of the words. He positivelyalarmed me. He said something like the following:“Happy medium, indeed. Do you know ‘happymedium’ are two words which mean ‘miserablemediocrity’? I say, go first class or third; marry aduchess or her kitchenmaid. The happy medium meansrespectability, and respectability means insipidness. Doesit not, Mr. Pooter?”

I was so taken aback by being personally appealed to, that Icould only bow apologetically, and say I feared I was notcompetent to offer an opinion. Carrie was about to saysomething; but she was interrupted, for which I was ratherpleased, for she is not clever at argument, and one has to beextra clever to discuss a subject with a man like Mr. Huttle.

He continued, with an amazing eloquence that made hisunwelcome opinions positively convincing: “The happy mediumis nothing more or less than a vulgar half-measure. A manwho loves champagne and, finding a pint too little, fears to facea whole bottle and has recourse to an imperial pint, will neverbuild a Brooklyn Bridge or an Eiffel Tower. No, he ishalf-hearted, he is a half-measure—respectable—infact, a happy medium, and will spend the rest of his days in asuburban villa with a stucco-column portico, resembling afour-post bedstead.”

We all laughed.

“That sort of thing,” continued Mr. Huttle,“belongs to a soft man, with a soft beard with a soft head,with a made tie that hooks on.”

This seemed rather personal and twice I caught myself lookingin the glass of the cheffonière; for Ihad on a tiethat hooked on—and why not? If these remarks were notpersonal they were rather careless, and so were some of hissubsequent observations, which must have made both Mr. Franchingand his guests rather uncomfortable. I don’t thinkMr. Huttle meant to be personal, for he added; “Wedon’t know that class here in this country: but we do inAmerica, and I’ve no use for them.”

Franching several times suggested that the wine should bepassed round the table, which Mr. Huttle did not heed; butcontinued as if he were giving a lecture:

“What we want in America is your homes. We live onwheels. Your simple, quiet life and home, Mr. Franching,are charming. No display, no pretension! You make nodifference in your dinner, I dare say, when you sit down byyourself and when you invite us. You have your own personalattendant—no hired waiter to breathe on the back of yourhead.”

I saw Franching palpably wince at this.

Mr. Huttle continued: “Just a small dinner with a fewgood things, such as you have this evening. Youdon’t insult your guests by sending to the grocer forchampagne at six shillings a bottle.”

I could not help thinking of “JacksonFrères” at three-and-six!

“In fact,” said Mr. Huttle, “a man is littleless than a murderer who does. That is the province of themilksop, who wastes his evening at home playing dominoes with hiswife. I’ve heard of these people. Wedon’t want them at this table. Our party is wellselected. We’ve no use for deaf old women, who cannotfollow intellectual conversation.”

All our eyes were turned to Mrs. Field, who fortunately, beingdeaf, did not hear his remarks; but continued smilingapproval.

“We have no representative at Mr. Franching’stable,” said Mr. Huttle, “of the unenlightenedfrivolous matron, who goes to a second class dance at Bayswaterand fancies she is in Society. Society does not know her;it has no use for her.”

Mr. Huttle paused for a moment and the opportunity wasafforded for the ladies to rise. I asked Mr. Franchingquietly to excuse me, as I did not wish to miss the last train,which we very nearly did, by-the-by, through Carrie havingmislaid the little cloth cricket-cap which she wears when we goout.

It was very late when Carrie and I got home; but on enteringthe sitting-room I said: “Carrie, what do you think of Mr.Hardfur Huttle?” She simply answered: “How likeLupin!” The same idea occurred to me in thetrain. The comparison kept me awake half the night.Mr. Huttle was, of course, an older and more influential man; buthe waslike Lupin, and it made me think how dangerousLupin would be if he were older and more influential. Ifeel proud to think Lupin doesresemble Mr. Huttle in someways. Lupin, like Mr. Huttle, has original and sometimeswonderful ideas; but it is those ideas that are sodangerous. They make men extremely rich or extremelypoor. They make or break men. I always feel peopleare happier who live a simple unsophisticated life. Ibelieve Iam happy because I am not ambitious.Somehow I feel that Lupin, since he has been with Mr. Perkupp,has become content to settle down and follow the footsteps of hisfather. This is a comfort.

CHAPTER XXI

Lupin is discharged. We are in greattrouble. Lupin gets engaged elsewhere at a handsomesalary.

May 13.—A terrible misfortunehas happened: Lupin is discharged from Mr. Perkupp’soffice; and I scarcely know how I am writing my diary. Iwas away from office last Sat., the first time I have been absentthrough illness for twenty years. I believe I was poisonedby some lobster. Mr. Perkupp was also absent, as Fate wouldhave it; and our most valued customer, Mr. Crowbillon, went tothe office in a rage, and withdrew his custom. My boy Lupinnot only had the assurance to receive him, but recommended himthe firm of Gylterson, Sons and Co. Limited. In my ownhumble judgment, and though I have to say it against my own son,this seems an act of treachery.

This morning I receive a letter from Perkupp, informing methat Lupin’s services are no longer required, and aninterview with me is desired at eleven o’clock. Iwent down to the office with an aching heart, dreading aninterview with Mr. Perkupp, with whom I have never had aword. I saw nothing of Lupin in the morning. He hadnot got up when it was time for me to leave, and Carrie said Ishould do no good by disturbing him. My mind wandered so atthe office that I could not do my work properly.

As I expected, I was sent for by Mr. Perkupp, and thefollowing conversation ensued as nearly as I can remember it.

Mr. Perkupp said: “Good-morning, Mr. Pooter! Thisis a very serious business. I am not referring so much tothe dismissal of your son, for I knew we should have to partsooner or later. Iam the head of this old,influential, and much-respected firm; and when Iconsiderthe time has come to revolutionise the business, Iwill doit myself.”

I could see my good master was somewhat affected, and I said:“I hope, sir, you do not imagine that I have in any waycountenanced my son’s unwarrantableinterference?” Mr. Perkupp rose from his seat andtook my hand, and said: “Mr. Pooter, I would as soonsuspect myself as suspect you.” I was so agitatedthat in the confusion, to show my gratitude I very nearly calledhim a “grand old man.”

Fortunately I checked myself in time, and said he was a“grand old master.” I was so unaccountable formy actions that I sat down, leaving him standing. Ofcourse, I at once rose, but Mr. Perkupp bade me sit down, which Iwas very pleased to do. Mr. Perkupp, resuming, said:“You will understand, Mr. Pooter, that the high-standingnature of our firm will not admit of our bending toanybody. If Mr. Crowbillon chooses to put his work intoother hands—I may add, less experienced hands—it isnot for us to bend and beg back his custom.”“You shallnot do it, sir,” I said withindignation. “Exactly,” replied Mr. Perkupp;“I shall notdo it. But I was thinking this,Mr. Pooter. Mr. Crowbillon is our most valued client, and Iwill even confess—for I know this will not go beyondourselves—that we cannot afford very well to lose him,especially in these times, which are not of the brightest.Now, I fancy you can be of service.”

I replied: “Mr. Perkupp, I will work day and night toserve you!”

Mr. Perkupp said: “I know you will. Now, what Ishould like you to do is this. You yourself might write toMr. Crowbillon—you must not, of course, lead him to supposeI know anything about your doing so—and explain to him thatyour son was only taken on as a clerk—quite aninexperienced one in fact—out of the respect the firm hadfor you, Mr. Pooter. This is, of course, a fact. Idon’t suggest that you should speak in too strong terms ofyour own son’s conduct; but I may add, that had he been ason of mine, I should have condemned his interference with nomeasured terms. That I leave to you. I think theresult will be that Mr. Crowbillon will see the force of thefoolish step he has taken, and our firm will neither suffer indignity nor in pocket.”

I could not help thinking what a noble gentleman Mr. Perkuppis. His manners and his way of speaking seem to almostthrill one with respect.

I said: “Would you like to see the letter before I sendit?”

Mr. Perkupp said: “Oh no! I had better not.I am supposed to know nothing about it, and I have everyconfidence in you. You must write the lettercarefully. We are not very busy; you had better take themorning to-morrow, or the whole day if you like. I shall behere myself all day to-morrow, in fact all the week, in case Mr.Crowbillon should call.”

I went home a little more cheerful, but I left word with Sarahthat I could not see either Gowing or Cummings, nor in factanybody, if they called in the evening. Lupin came into theparlour for a moment with a new hat on, and asked my opinion ofit. I said I was not in the mood to judge of hats, and Idid not think he was in a position to buy a new one. Lupinreplied carelessly: “I didn’t buy it; it was apresent.”

I have such terrible suspicions of Lupin now that I scarcelylike to ask him questions, as I dread the answers so. He,however, saved me the trouble.

He said: “I met a friend, an old friend, that I did notquite think a friend at the time; but it’s all right.As he wisely said, ‘all is fair in love and war,’ andthere was no reason why we should not be friends still.He’s a jolly, good, all-round sort of fellow, and a verydifferent stamp from that inflated fool of a Perkupp.”

I said: “Hush, Lupin! Do not pray add insult toinjury.”

Lupin said: “What do you mean by injury? I repeat,I have done no injury. Crowbillon is simply tired of astagnant stick-in-the-mud firm, and made the change on his ownaccount. I simply recommended the new firm as a matter ofbiz—good old biz!”

I said quietly: “I don’t understand your slang,and at my time of life have no desire to learn it; so, Lupin, myboy, let us change the subject. I will, if it please you,tryand be interested in your new hatadventure.”

Lupin said: “Oh! there’s nothing much about it,except I have not once seen him since his marriage, and he saidhe was very pleased to see me, and hoped we should befriends. I stood a drink to cement the friendship, and hestood me a new hat—one of his own.”

I said rather wearily: “But you have not told me yourold friend’s name?”

Lupin said, with affected carelessness: “Oh didn’tI? Well, I will. It was MurrayPosh.”

May 14.—Lupin came down late,and seeing me at home all the morning, asked the reason ofit. Carrie and I both agreed it was better to say nothingto him about the letter I was writing, so I evaded thequestion.

Lupin went out, saying he was going to lunch with Murray Poshin the City. I said I hoped Mr. Posh would provide him witha berth. Lupin went out laughing, saying: “Idon’t mind wearingPosh’s one-priced hats, butI am not going to sellthem.” Poor boy, I fearhe is perfectly hopeless.

It took me nearly the whole day to write to Mr.Crowbillon. Once or twice I asked Carrie for suggestions;and although it seems ungrateful, her suggestions were none ofthem to the point, while one or two were absolutelyidiotic. Of course I did not tell her so. I got theletter off, and took it down to the office for Mr. Perkupp tosee, but he again repeated that he could trust me.

Gowing called in the evening, and I was obliged to tell himabout Lupin and Mr. Perkupp; and, to my surprise, he was quiteinclined to side with Lupin. Carrie joined in, and said shethought I was taking much too melancholy a view of it.Gowing produced a pint sample-bottle of Madeira, which had beengiven him, which he said would get rid of the blues. I daresay it would have done so if there had been more of it; but asGowing helped himself to three glasses, it did not leave much forCarrie and me to get rid of the blues with.

May 15.—A day of greatanxiety, for I expected every moment a letter from Mr.Crowbillon. Two letters came in the evening—one forme, with “Crowbillon Hall” printed in largegold-and-red letters on the back of the envelope; the other forLupin, which I felt inclined to open and read, as it had“Gylterson, Sons, and Co. Limited,” which was therecommended firm. I trembled as I opened Mr.Crowbillon’s letter. I wrote him sixteen pages,closely written; he wrote me less than sixteen lines.

His letter was: “Sir,—I totally disagree withyou. Your son, in the course of five minutes’conversation, displayed more intelligence than your firm has doneduring the last five years.—Yours faithfully, Gilbert E.Gillam O. Crowbillon.”

What am I to do? Here is a letter that I dare not showto Mr. Perkupp, and would not show to Lupin for anything.The crisis had yet to come; for Lupin arrived, and, opening hisletter, showed a cheque for £25 as a commission for therecommendation of Mr. Crowbillon, whose custom to Mr. Perkupp isevidently lost for ever. Cummings and Gowing both called,and both took Lupin’s part. Cummings went so far asto say that Lupin would make a name yet. I suppose I wasmelancholy, for I could only ask: “Yes, but what sort of aname?”

May 16.—I told Mr. Perkuppthe contents of the letter in a modified form, but Mr. Perkuppsaid: “Pray don’t discuss the matter; it is at anend. Your son will bring his punishment uponhimself.” I went home in the evening, thinking of thehopeless future of Lupin. I found him in most extravagantspirits and in evening dress. He threw a letter on thetable for me to read.

To my amazement, I read that Gylterson and Sons had absolutelyengaged Lupin at a salary of £200 a year, with otheradvantages. I read the letter through three times andthought it must have been for me. But there itwas—Lupin Pooter—plain enough. I wassilent. Lupin said: “What price Perkupp now?You take my tip, Guv.—‘off’ with Perkupp andfreeze on to Gylterson, the firm of the future!Perkupp’s firm? The stagnant dummies have beenstanding still for years, and now are moving back. I wantto go on. In fact I must go off, as I am dining withthe Murray Poshs to-night.”

In the exuberance of his spirits he hit his hat with hisstick, gave a loud war “Whoo-oop,” jumped over achair, and took the liberty of rumpling my hair all over myforehead, and bounced out of the room, giving me no chance ofreminding him of his age and the respect which was due to hisparent. Gowing and Cummings came in the evening, andpositively cheered me up with congratulations respectingLupin.

Gowing said: “I always said he would get on, and, takemy word, he has more in his head than we three puttogether.”

Carrie said: “He is a second Hardfur Huttle.”

CHAPTER XXII

Master Percy Edgar Smith James. Mrs.James (of Sutton) visits us again and introduces “SpiritualSéances.”

May 26, Sunday.—We went toSutton after dinner to have meat-tea with Mr. and Mrs.James. I had no appetite, having dined well at two, and theentire evening was spoiled by little Percy—their onlyson—who seems to me to be an utterly spoiled child.

Two or three times he came up to me and deliberately kicked myshins. He hurt me once so much that the tears came into myeyes. I gently remonstrated with him, and Mrs. James said:“Please don’t scold him; I do not believe in beingtoo severe with young children. You spoil theircharacter.”

Little Percy set up a deafening yell here, and when Carrietried to pacify him, he slapped her face.

I was so annoyed, I said: “That is not my idea ofbringing up children, Mrs. James.”

Mrs. James said. “People have different ideas ofbringing up children—even your son Lupin is not thestandard of perfection.”

A Mr. Mezzini (an Italian, I fancy) here took Percy in hislap. The child wriggled and kicked and broke away from Mr.Mezzini, saying: “I don’t like you—you’vegot a dirty face.”

A very nice gentleman, Mr. Birks Spooner, took the child bythe wrist and said: “Come here, dear, and listen tothis.”

He detached his chronometer from the chain and made his watchstrike six.

To our horror, the child snatched it from his hand and bouncedit down upon the ground like one would a ball.

Mr. Birks Spooner was most amiable, and said he could easilyget a new glass put in, and did not suppose the works weredamaged.

To show you how people’s opinions differ, Carrie saidthe child was bad-tempered, but it made up for that defect by itslooks, for it was—in her mind—an unquestionablybeautiful child.

I may be wrong, but I do not think I have seen a much uglierchild myself. That is myopinion.

May 30.—I don’t knowwhy it is, but I never anticipate with any pleasure the visits toour house of Mrs. James, of Sutton. She is coming again tostay for a few days. I said to Carrie this morning, as Iwas leaving: “I wish, dear Carrie, I could like Mrs. Jamesbetter than I do.”

Carrie said: “So do I, dear; but as for years I have hadto put up with Mr. Gowing, who is vulgar, and Mr. Cummings, whois kind but most uninteresting, I am sure, dear, you won’tmind the occasional visits of Mrs. James, who has more intellectin her little finger than both your friends have in their entirebodies.”

I was so entirely taken back by this onslaught on my two dearold friends, I could say nothing, and as I heard the ’buscoming, I left with a hurried kiss—a little too hurried,perhaps, for my upper lip came in contact with Carrie’steeth and slightly cut it. It was quite painful for an hourafterwards. When I came home in the evening I found Carrieburied in a book on Spiritualism, called There is noBirth, by Florence Singleyet. I need scarcely say thebook was sent her to read by Mrs. James, of Sutton. As shehad not a word to say outside her book, I spent the rest of theevening altering the stair-carpets, which are beginning to showsigns of wear at the edges.

Mrs. James arrived and, as usual, in the evening took theentire management of everything. Finding that she andCarrie were making some preparations for table-turning, I thoughtit time really to put my foot down. I have always had thegreatest contempt for such nonsense, and put an end to it yearsago when Carrie, at our old house, used to have séancesevery night with poor Mrs. Fussters (who is now dead). If Icould see any use in it, I would not care. As I stopped itin the days gone by, I determined to do so now.

I said: “I am very sorry Mrs. James, but I totallydisapprove of it, apart from the fact that I receive my oldfriends on this evening.”

Mrs. James said: “Do you mean to say you haven’tread There is no Birth?” I said: “No,and I have no intention of doing so.” Mrs. Jamesseemed surprised and said: “All the world is going mad overthe book.” I responded rather cleverly: “Letit. There will be one sane man in it, at allevents.”

Mrs. James said she thought it was very unkind, and if peoplewere all as prejudiced as I was, there would never have been theelectric telegraph or the telephone.

I said that was quite a different thing.

Mrs. James said sharply: “In what way, pray—inwhat way?”

I said: “In many ways.”

Mrs. James said: “Well, mention oneway.”

I replied quietly: “Pardon me, Mrs. James; I decline todiscuss the matter. I am not interested in it.”

Sarah at this moment opened the door and showed in Cummings,for which I was thankful, for I felt it would put a stop to thisfoolish table-turning. But I was entirely mistaken; for, onthe subject being opened again, Cummings said he was mostinterested in Spiritualism, although he was bound to confess hedid not believe much in it; still, he was willing to beconvinced.

I firmly declined to take any part in it, with the result thatmy presence was ignored. I left the three sitting in theparlour at a small round table which they had taken out of thedrawing-room. I walked into the hall with the ultimateintention of taking a little stroll. As I opened the door,who should come in but Gowing!

On hearing what was going on, he proposed that we should jointhe circle and he would go into a trance. He added that heknewa few things about old Cummings, and wouldinventa few about Mrs. James. Knowing how dangerousGowing is, I declined to let him take part in any such foolishperformance. Sarah asked me if she could go out for half anhour, and I gave her permission, thinking it would be morecomfortable to sit with Gowing in the kitchen than in the colddrawing-room. We talked a good deal about Lupin and Mr. andMrs. Murray Posh, with whom he is as usual spending theevening. Gowing said: “I say, it wouldn’t be abad thing for Lupin if old Posh kicked the bucket.”

My heart gave a leap of horror, and I rebuked Gowing verysternly for joking on such a subject. I lay awake half thenight thinking of it—the other half was spent in nightmareson the same subject.

May 31.—I wrote a sternletter to the laundress. I was rather pleased with theletter, for I thought it very satirical. I said: “Youhave returned the handkerchiefs without the colour. Perhapsyou will return either the colour or the value of thehandkerchiefs.” I shall be rather curious to knowwhat she will have to say.

More table-turning in the evening. Carrie said lastnight was in a measure successful, and they ought to sitagain. Cummings came in, and seemed interested. I hadthe gas lighted in the drawing-room, got the steps, and repairedthe cornice, which has been a bit of an eyesore to me. In afit of unthinkingness—if I may use such anexpression,—I gave the floor over the parlour, where theséance was taking place, two loud raps with thehammer. I felt sorry afterwards, for it was the sort ofridiculous, foolhardy thing that Gowing or Lupin would havedone.

However, they never even referred to it, but Carrie declaredthat a message came through the table to her of a wonderfuldescription, concerning someone whom she and I knew years ago,and who was quite unknown to the others.

When we went to bed, Carrie asked me as a favour to sitto-morrow night, to oblige her. She said it seemed ratherunkind and unsociable on my part. I promised I would sitonce.

June 1.—I sat reluctantly atthe table in the evening, and I am bound to admit some curiousthings happened. I contend they were coincidences, but theywere curious. For instance, the table kept tilting towardsme, which Carrie construed as a desire that I should ask thespirit a question. I obeyed the rules, and I asked thespirit (who said her name was Lina) if she could tell me the nameof an old aunt of whom I was thinking, and whom we used to callAunt Maggie. The table spelled out C A T. We couldmake nothing out of it, till I suddenly remembered that hersecond name was Catherine, which it was evidently trying tospell. I don’t think even Carrie knew this. Butif she did, she would never cheat. I must admit it wascurious. Several other things happened, and I consented tosit at another séance on Monday.

June 3.—The laundress called,and said she was very sorry about the handkerchiefs, and returnedninepence. I said, as the colour was completely washed outand the handkerchiefs quite spoiled, ninepence was notenough. Carrie replied that the two handkerchiefsoriginally only cost sixpence, for she remembered buying them at asale at the Holloway Bon Marché. In thatcase, I insisted that threepence should be returned to thelaundress. Lupin has gone to stay with the Poshs for a fewdays. I must say I feel very uncomfortable about it.Carrie said I was ridiculous to worry about it. Mr. Poshwas very fond of Lupin, who, after all, was only a mere boy.

In the evening we had another séance, which, in somerespects, was very remarkable, although the first part of it wasa little doubtful. Gowing called, as well as Cummings, andbegged to be allowed to join the circle. I wanted toobject, but Mrs. James, who appears a good Medium (that is, ifthere is anything in it at all), thought there might be a littlemore spirit power if Gowing joined; so the five of us satdown.

The moment I turned out the gas, and almost before I could getmy hands on the table, it rocked violently and tilted, and beganmoving quickly across the room. Gowing shouted out:“Way oh! steady, lad, steady!” I told Gowing ifhe could not behave himself I should light the gas, and put anend to the séance.

To tell the truth, I thought Gowing was playing tricks, and Ihinted as much; but Mrs. James said she had often seen the tablego right off the ground. The spirit Lina came again, andsaid, “WARN” three or four times, and declined toexplain. Mrs. James said “Lina” was stubbornsometimes. She often behaved like that, and the best thingto do was to send her away.

She then hit the table sharply, and said: “Go away,Lina; you are disagreeable. Go away!” I shouldthink we sat nearly three-quarters of an hour with nothinghappening. My hands felt quite cold, and I suggested weshould stop the séance. Carrie and Mrs. James, aswell as Cummings, would not agree to it. In about tenminutes’ time there was some tilting towards me. Igave the alphabet, and it spelled out S P O O F. As I haveheard both Gowing and Lupin use the word, and as I could hearGowing silently laughing, I directly accused him of pushing thetable. He denied it; but, I regret to say, I did notbelieve him.

Gowing said: “Perhaps it means ‘Spook,’ aghost.”

I said: “Youknow it doesn’t mean anythingof the sort.”

Gowing said: “Oh! very well—I’m sorry I‘spook,’” and he rose from the table.

No one took any notice of the stupid joke, and Mrs. Jamessuggested he should sit out for a while. Gowing consentedand sat in the arm-chair.

The table began to move again, and we might have had awonderful séance but for Gowing’s stupidinterruptions. In answer to the alphabet from Carrie thetable spelt “NIPUL,” then the “WARN”three times. We could not think what it meant till Cummingspointed out that “NIPUL” was Lupin spelledbackwards. This was quite exciting. Carrie wasparticularly excited, and said she hoped nothing horrible wasgoing to happen.

Mrs. James asked if “Lina” was the spirit.The table replied firmly, “No,” and the spirit wouldnot give his or her name. We then had the message,“NIPUL will be very rich.”

Carrie said she felt quite relieved, but the word“WARN” was again spelt out. The table thenbegan to oscillate violently, and in reply to Mrs. James, whospoke very softly to the table, the spirit began to spell itsname. It first spelled “DRINK.”

Gowing here said: “Ah! that’s more in myline.”

I asked him to be quiet as the name might not becompleted.

The table then spelt “WATER.”

Gowing here interrupted again, and said: “Ah!that’s notin my line. Outsideif youlike, but not inside.”

Carrie appealed to him to be quiet.

The table then spelt “CAPTAIN,” and Mrs. Jamesstartled us by crying out, “Captain Drinkwater, a very oldfriend of my father’s, who has been dead someyears.”

This was more interesting, and I could not help thinking thatafter all there must be something in Spiritualism.

Mrs. James asked the spirit to interpret the meaning of theword “Warn” as applied to “NIPUL.”The alphabet was given again, and we got the word“BOSH.”

Gowing here muttered: “So it is.”

Mrs. James said she did not think the spirit meant that, asCaptain Drinkwater was a perfect gentleman, and would never haveused the word in answer to a lady’s question.Accordingly the alphabet was given again.

This time the table spelled distinctly“POSH.” We all thought of Mrs. Murray Posh andLupin. Carrie was getting a little distressed, and as itwas getting late we broke up the circle.

We arranged to have one more to-morrow, as it will be Mrs.James’ last night in town. We also determinednotto have Gowing present.

Cummings, before leaving, said it was certainly interesting,but he wished the spirits would say something about him.

June 4.—Quite looking forwardto the séance this evening. Was thinking of it allthe day at the office.

Just as we sat down at the table we were annoyed by Gowingentering without knocking.

He said: “I am not going to stop, but I have broughtwith me a sealed envelope, which I know I can trust with Mrs.Pooter. In that sealed envelope is a strip of paper onwhich I have asked a simple question. If the spirits cananswer that question, I will believe in Spiritualism.”

I ventured the expression that it might be impossible.

Mrs. James said: “Oh no! it is of common occurrence forthe spirits to answer questions under such conditions—andeven for them to write on locked slates. It is quite worthtrying. If ‘Lina’ is in a good temper, she iscertain to do it.”

Gowing said: “All right; then I shall be a firmbeliever. I shall perhaps drop in about half-past nine orten, and hear the result.”

He then left and we sat a long time. Cummings wanted toknow something about some undertaking in which he was concerned,but he could get no answer of any description whatever—atwhich he said he was very disappointed and was afraid there wasnot much in table-turning after all. I thought this ratherselfish of him. The séance was very similar to theone last night, almost the same in fact. So we turned tothe letter. “Lina” took a long time answeringthe question, but eventually spelt out “ROSES, LILIES, ANDCOWS.” There was great rocking of the table at thistime, and Mrs. James said: “If that is Captain Drinkwater,let us ask him the answer as well?”

It was the spirit of the Captain, and, most singular, he gavethe same identical answer: “ROSES, LILIES, ANDCOWS.”

I cannot describe the agitation with which Carrie broke theseal, or the disappointment we felt on reading the question, towhich the answer was so inappropriate. The question was,“What’s old Pooter’s age?”

This quite decided me.

As I had put my foot down on Spiritualism years ago, so Iwould again.

I am pretty easy-going as a rule, but I can be extremely firmwhen driven to it.

I said slowly, as I turned up the gas: “This is the lastof this nonsense that shall ever take place under my roof.I regret I permitted myself to be a party to suchtomfoolery. If there is anything in it—which Idoubt—it is nothing of any good, and I won’t haveit again. That is enough.”

Mrs. James said: “I think, Mr. Pooter, you are ratherover-stepping—”

I said: “Hush, madam. I am master of thishouse—please understand that.”

Mrs. James made an observation which I sincerely hope I wasmistaken in. I was in such a rage I could not quite catchwhat she said. But if I thought she said what it soundedlike, she should never enter the house again.

CHAPTER XXIII

Lupin leaves us. We dine at his newapartments, and hear some extraordinary information respectingthe wealth of Mr. Murray Posh. Meet Miss Lilian Posh.Am sent for by Mr. Hardfur Huttle. Important.

July 1.—I find, on lookingover my diary, nothing of any consequence has taken place duringthe last month. To-day we lose Lupin, who has takenfurnished apartments at Bayswater, near his friends, Mr. and Mrs.Murray Posh, at two guineas a week. I think this is mostextravagant of him, as it is half his salary. Lupin saysone never loses by a good address, and, to use his ownexpression, Brickfield Terrace is a bit “off.”Whether he means it is “far off” I do not know.I have long since given up trying to understand his curiousexpressions. I said the neighbourhood had always been goodenough for his parents. His reply was: “It is noquestion of being good or bad. There is no money in it, andI am not going to rot away my life in the suburbs.”

We are sorry to lose him, but perhaps he will get on better byhimself, and there may be some truth in his remark that an oldand a young horse can’t pull together in the same cart.

Gowing called, and said that the house seemed quite peaceful,and like old times. He liked Master Lupin very well, but heoccasionally suffered from what he could nothelp—youth.

July 2.—Cummings called,looked very pale, and said he had been very ill again, and ofcourse not a single friend had been near him. Carrie saidshe had never heard of it, whereupon he threw down a copy of theBicycle Newson the table, with the following paragraph:“We regret to hear that that favourite old roadster, Mr.Cummings (‘Long’ Cummings), has met with what mighthave been a serious accident in Rye Lane. A mischievous boythrew a stick between the spokes of one of the back wheels, andthe machine overturned, bringing our brother tricyclist heavilyto the ground. Fortunately he was more frightened thanhurt, but we missed his merry face at the dinner at Chingford,where they turned up in good numbers. ‘Long’Cummings’ health was proposed by our popular Vice, Mr.Westropp, the prince of bicyclists, who in his happiest vein saidit was a case of ‘Cumming(s) thro’ theRye, but fortunately there was more wheelthanwoe,’ a joke which created roars oflaughter.”

We all said we were very sorry, and pressed Cummings to stayto supper. Cummings said it was like old times beingwithout Lupin, and he was much better away.

July 3, Sunday.—In theafternoon, as I was looking out of the parlour window, which wasopen, a grand trap, driven by a lady, with a gentleman seated bythe side of her, stopped at our door. Not wishing to beseen, I withdrew my head very quickly, knocking the back of itviolently against the sharp edge of the window-sash. I wasnearly stunned. There was a loud double-knock at the frontdoor; Carrie rushed out of the parlour, upstairs to her room, andI followed, as Carrie thought it was Mr. Perkupp. I thoughtit was Mr. Franching.—I whispered to Sarah over thebanisters: “Show them into the drawing-room.”Sarah said, as the shutters were not opened, the room would smellmusty. There was another loud rat-tat. I whispered:“Then show them into the parlour, and say Mr. Pooter willbe down directly.” I changed my coat, but could notsee to do my hair, as Carrie was occupying the glass.

Sarah came up, and said it was Mrs. Murray Posh and Mr.Lupin.

This was quite a relief. I went down with Carrie, andLupin met me with the remark: “I say, what did you run awayfrom the window for? Did we frighten you?”

I foolishly said: “What window?”

Lupin said: “Oh, you know. Shut it. Youlooked as if you were playing at Punch and Judy.”

On Carrie asking if she could offer them anything, Lupin said:“Oh, I think Daisy will take on a cup of tea. I cando with a B. and S.”

I said: “I am afraid we have no soda.”

Lupin said: “Don’t bother about that. Youjust trip out and hold the horse; I don’t think Sarahunderstands it.”

They stayed a very short time, and as they were leaving, Lupinsaid: “I want you both to come and dine with me nextWednesday, and see my new place. Mr. and Mrs. Murray Posh,Miss Posh (Murray’s sister) are coming. Eighto’clock sharp. No one else.”

I said we did not pretend to be fashionable people, and wouldlike the dinner earlier, as it made it so late before we gothome.

Lupin said: “Rats! You must get used to it.If it comes to that, Daisy and I can drive you home.”

We promised to go; but I must say in my simple mind thefamiliar way in which Mrs. Posh and Lupin addressed each other isreprehensible. Anybody would think they had been childrentogether. I certainly should object to a six months’acquaintance calling mywife “Carrie,” anddriving out with her.

July 4.—Lupin’s roomslooked very nice; but the dinner was, I thought, a little toogrand, especially as he commenced with champagne straightoff. I also think Lupin might have told us that he and Mr.and Mrs. Murray Posh and Miss Posh were going to put on fullevening dress. Knowing that the dinner was only for us six,we never dreamed it would be a full dress affair. I had noappetite. It was quite twenty minutes past eight before wesat down to dinner. At six I could have eaten a heartymeal. I had a bit of bread-and-butter at that hour, feelingfamished, and I expect that partly spoiled my appetite.

We were introduced to Miss Posh, whom Lupin called“Lillie Girl,” as if he had known her all hislife. She was very tall, rather plain, and I thought shewas a little painted round the eyes. I hope I am wrong; butshe had such fair hair, and yet her eyebrows were black.She looked about thirty. I did not like the way she keptgiggling and giving Lupin smacks and pinching him. Then herlaugh was a sort of a scream that went right through my ears, allthe more irritating because there was nothing to laugh at.In fact, Carrie and I were not at all prepossessed withher. They all smoked cigarettes after dinner, includingMiss Posh, who startled Carrie by saying: “Don’t yousmoke, dear?” I answered for Carrie, and said:“Mrs. Charles Pooter has not arrived at it yet,”whereupon Miss Posh gave one of her piercing laughs again.

Mrs. Posh sang a dozen songs at least, and I can only repeatwhat I have said before—she does notsing in tune;but Lupin sat by the side of the piano, gazing into her eyes thewhole time. If I had been Mr. Posh, I think I should havehad something to say about it. Mr. Posh made himself veryagreeable to us, and eventually sent us home in his carriage,which I thought most kind. He is evidently very rich, forMrs. Posh had on some beautiful jewellery. She told Carrieher necklace, which her husband gave her as a birthday present,alone cost £300.

Mr. Posh said he had a great belief in Lupin, and thought hewould make rapid way in the world.

I could not help thinking of the £600 Mr. Posh lost overthe Parachikka Chloratesthrough Lupin’s advice.

During the evening I had an opportunity to speak to Lupin, andexpressed a hope that Mr. Posh was not living beyond hismeans.

Lupin sneered, and said Mr. Posh was worth thousands.“Posh’s one-price hat” was a household word inBirmingham, Manchester, Liverpool, and all the big townsthroughout England. Lupin further informed me that Mr. Poshwas opening branch establishments at New York, Sydney, andMelbourne, and was negotiating for Kimberley andJohannesburg.

I said I was pleased to hear it.

Lupin said: “Why, he has settled over £10,000 onDaisy, and the same amount on ‘Lillie Girl.’ Ifat any time I wanted a little capital, he would put up a coupleof ‘thou’ at a day’s notice, and could buy upPerkupp’s firm over his head at any moment with readycash.”

On the way home in the carriage, for the first time in mylife, I was inclined to indulge in the radical thought that moneywas notproperly divided.

On arriving home at a quarter-past eleven, we found a hansomcab, which had been waiting for me for two hours with aletter. Sarah said she did not know what to do, as we hadnot left the address where we had gone. I trembled as Iopened the letter, fearing it was some bad news about Mr.Perkupp. The note was: “Dear Mr. Pooter,—Comedown to the Victoria Hotel without delay. Important.Yours truly, Hardfur Huttle.”

I asked the cabman if it was too late. The cabmanreplied that it was not; for his instructions were, if Ihappened to be out, he was to wait till I came home. I feltvery tired, and really wanted to go to bed. I reached thehotel at a quarter before midnight. I apologised for beingso late, but Mr. Huttle said: “Not at all; come and have afew oysters.” I feel my heart beating as I writethese words. To be brief, Mr. Huttle said he had a richAmerican friend who wanted to do something large in our line ofbusiness, and that Mr. Franching had mentioned my name tohim. We talked over the matter. If, by any happychance, the result be successful, I can more than compensate mydear master for the loss of Mr. Crowbillon’s custom.Mr. Huttle had previously said: “The glorious‘Fourth’ is a lucky day for America, and, as it hasnot yet struck twelve, we will celebrate it with a glass of thebest wine to be had in the place, and drink good luck to our bitof business.”

I fervently hope it will bring good luck to us all.

It was two o’clock when I got home. Although I wasso tired, I could not sleep except for short intervals—thenonly to dream.

I kept dreaming of Mr. Perkupp and Mr. Huttle. Thelatter was in a lovely palace with a crown on. Mr. Perkuppwas waiting in the room. Mr. Huttle kept taking off thiscrown and handing it to me, and calling me“President.”

He appeared to take no notice of Mr. Perkupp, and I keptasking Mr. Huttle to give the crown to my worthy master.Mr. Huttle kept saying: “No, this is the White House ofWashington, and you must keep your crown, Mr.President.”

We all laughed long and very loudly, till I got parched, andthen I woke up. I fell asleep, only to dream the same thingover and over again.

CHAPTER THE LAST

One of the happiest days of my life.

July 10.—The excitement andanxiety through which I have gone the last few days have beenalmost enough to turn my hair grey. It is all butsettled. To-morrow the die will be cast. I havewritten a long letter to Lupin—feeling it my duty to doso,—regarding his attention to Mrs. Posh, for they drove upto our house again last night.

July 11.—I find my eyesfilling with tears as I pen the note of my interview this morningwith Mr. Perkupp. Addressing me, he said: “Myfaithful servant, I will not dwell on the important service youhave done our firm. You can never be sufficientlythanked. Let us change the subject. Do you like yourhouse, and are you happy where you are?”

I replied: “Yes, sir; I love my house and I love theneighbourhood, and could not bear to leave it.”

Mr. Perkupp, to my surprise, said: “Mr. Pooter, I willpurchase the freehold of that house, and present it to the mosthonest and most worthy man it has ever been my lot tomeet.”

He shook my hand, and said he hoped my wife and I would bespared many years to enjoy it. My heart was too full tothank him; and, seeing my embarrassment, the good fellow said:“You need say nothing, Mr. Pooter,” and left theoffice.

I sent telegrams to Carrie, Gowing, and Cummings (a thing Ihave never done before), and asked the two latter to come roundto supper.

On arriving home I found Carrie crying with joy, and I sentSarah round to the grocer’s to get two bottles of“Jackson Frères.”

My two dear friends came in the evening, and the last postbrought a letter from Lupin in reply to mine. I read italoud to them all. It ran: “My dear oldGuv.,—Keep your hair on. You are on the wrong tackagain. I am engaged to be married to ‘LillieGirl.’ I did not mention it last Thursday, as it wasnot definitely settled. We shall be married in August, andamongst our guests we hope to see your old friends Gowing andCummings. With much love to all, from The same oldLupin.”

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